A WEST BROM POM IN AUS

The Invitation

2009-12-11T05:40:00.000-08:00

Hello bloggers…thought I would share a bizarre evening spent at Fremantle with my family (Jackie , James and Stephen)….brother in law and assorted others….

Well, the day started like any other….sun…..cricket…pool….and then…!!! A text message from Seamus..( brother in law) inviting us to;

1) View the newly named Steve Irwin boat, with a promise of an on board tour….and a possible meeting with Bindy and her mum etc….
and
2) Attend a book awards presentation.. Honouring the West Australian Maritime museum….mmmm… not our usual idea of fun but the promise of free food and drink swung it…

Mrs Steve Irwin wonders...where are Jackie and Stewart.....?

Well, the Steve Irwin was a fine looking vessel, however NO tours were happening and Bindy Irwin was not even in Perth….Ok, not a great start, but surely the awards ceremony would be a swanky affair packed with Australia’s finest……???..well….....

......No it wasn’t. Seamus met us and we were led into Perth’s oldest building..... which was full…(Well...err... 15 people) of Perth’s oldest professors…Seamus (59) was the young thrusting future of Perth academic research...a sort of Harry Potter amongst the old Wizards...…I (45) was like Pike from Dad’s Army…Jackie and the Kids were looked at like they were exhibits in a museum…

Now, I hear you ask…'what was the food and drink like’??…Well, two bottles of wine and a carton of orange were never going to satisfy the collective thirst…especially that, given the professors ages, most had to swallow medication with some sort of drink at regular intervals...I swear I am not making this up. Also Seamus tends to view wine as ‘gods gift’ ..just for him…
Seamus, incidentally was sweating more than any human I have seen. His sweat had sweat on it at one point and his shirt resembled a used flannel….

And so to the ceremony…Well the winner didn’t bother to show up…and neither did two of the judges!!….I stood next to a guy who looked exactly like Uncle Albert…complete with little sailors cap…really..... I really am not making this up…Jackie was, for some reason …mistaken for the woman who was taking over the West Australian Maritime museum web site….and was being questioned on her knowledge of the 1912 Australian Naval fleet …all with a look of ‘kill me’ written on her face…believe me, the opportunity of taking Stephen to the toilet was like hearing the judge declare you ‘not guilty’.

Jackie smiles for a Professor
We made our excuses and ran away…very quickly….

Aussie Oddballs

2009-11-28T06:18:00.000-08:00

The Fart Of Cricket

Hello blog mates….Well the Cricket Season has begun well…Five games three wins….The first a ‘Walk over’….(I think fear prevented them coming to play us!!!!!) And the second a resounding win…. We bowled first and got all 10 wickets for 94…..Every bowler used took wickets and we held every catch…A great start for Gilly ..the ever modest skipper….Our latest win was a last over ‘squeeky’ bum affair and was won in the last over by Al Long and Luke Pummell.

Dunks and Levvo show they mean business....

I thought I would introduce you all to some of the mighty Ocean Ridge team on show.. Amazingly, many players have achieved legend status after just one game…

Al (Stumper….) Long….. Alan has a lot of heart…or ticker, as the Aussies say…but then Al has a lot of everything…Kit….(an amazing magical kitbag with very deep pockets I swear I spotted a Barbie and Typewriter in there.) Body (Like Me) …Tales of Cricket’s past loony characters….. but not hair….. Brilliant 33 to help win the game in week 5

Watto and Dunks Senior point out their batting averages...Mal sports theworlds largest Hat .....

Mal (Captain) Kirkman…get it. Well first game and he was asked to ‘boldly go and open’…. Great bloke who is supportive and tough as nails, a ball smashed into his elbow…. and Mal’s response …’didn’t feel it skip.’

Ben (Hollywood) Ferguson. Mystery surrounds Ben.... is he a Cricketer or is he an actor rehearsing to play a cricketer…Judging from the ‘Sunnies’ he wore on Saturday it is hard to tell…The glasses were so dark, he was found fielding on the nearby Marmion Avenue for 10 overs and Stevie Wonder’s management have warned him to stop taking the piss….

Duncan (Webby) Webb…Top man and brave as… Took a ‘Catch it or die’ effort in the first week of the latest match…one inch from the end of his nose. Batted with Gilly (me) for a couple of hours to steady the ship in the first game…concentration was fantastic..Played this week with a broken finger ...nuff said...

Keiran (Riverdance) Young… An amazing debut for a young guy….Batted well and sensibly with the strangest shuffling feet I have ever seen…’So you think you can Dance’ would snap him up and I would vote him to stay on the show every week…Keiran is the ‘Pike’ (From Dad’s Army) to Al Long’s Godfrey… Mal’s Sergeant Wilson and my Captain Mainwaring….

Keiran and Levvo ...Before and after ten years on the drink.....

Justin (Levvo) Levett. Another guy making his debut this season and already a legend…Guesses as to his age brought about estimates ranging from 25 to 40….Levvo has the look of the ageing rockstar but plays like a veteran can Bowl really well and batted with courage and common sense in the first match to take us over the winning line…

Michael (Watto) Watson…..Like Arnie he said, ‘I’ll be back’ and he is…Great to see him back after long term injury. Bowled really well and batted us back into a winning position in game one…Not subtle…but effective….Contributed with support and advice…welcome back Watto....I like him a lot..despite his moaning...

Jamie (Dunks) Dunkley… Jamie stepped in to bat 3 when no one wanted to do the job in game one and that says a lot about his team spirit. Fielded brilliantly and when he does get a bowl turns it a mile. Quiet until given the Chance to tell us about his Dad’s latest injury/accident…amazing how we couldn’t shut him up then…

Luke (smiler) Pummell…Top man and great guy…Another returning ‘great’ from the past. Luke bowled like he had never been away…(From the club, not prison as someone enquired when they heard me say that.) and has transformed his batting…

Ryan (Valentino) Ross… The star of the match one, bowled brilliantly in all the games so far and fielded really well. All done with a smile. Ryan has cut his hair recently and I wander if the new aerodynamic look is responsible for his new found form.

Captain's Slog

2009-02-10T17:24:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the delay folks...but we are back...Very Cricket centred so sorry folks...

Well the Cricket Season is here again…as England wraps up and prepares for winter, I prepare for SUN…..HEAT….and SWEATY AUSSIES…(Remember from previous blogs…they don’t shower)…But as Meatloaf said, two out of three aint bad…..

I have been handed the Captaincy of a team this year…..the Mighty Ocean Ridge Cricket team have spotted my obvious potential…or as one player said ‘they want you in the tent pissing out, rather than outside pissing in,’ fair point……

Well my first match was on Saturday the 10th …..and…… the opposition cried off, giving me…. a forfeit victory….Yeahhhh Top of the League.

So, with a free Saturday what is a man to do…..bloody DIY according to my wife…(We will call her Jackie…mainly as that’s her name)…so after working all morning I did manage to sneak out and watch some of the other Ocean Ridge teams.
Finally settling for Harve's Mighty 9ths….

Jim (Ducky) Cornwell was batting with Johnny (Boycott) Larmett…(How sporting of John to play with a plasticine bat)….to be fair Jim looked good…very good….until he edged a ball that was two feet over his head…When you consider he is already 6 feet.4…this takes some doing. (No Ball surely….no he was given out)...Greg ('House' ) Harves looked greyer by the second ....Harves by the way demonstrated the great art of running between the wickets.... whilst impersonating Stephen Hawking with a great scooby doo 'on the spot' styling..Anyhow the rain came and Australia looked briefly like England....
Now as a spectator it was interesting to hear the umpire ‘bagged’ so early in the season and it got me thinking about umpire types in club cricket....Please let me know if you recognise yourself.....

1) The Moral Umpire

To the moral Umpire what counts is whether the player deserved to be out. Pitched outside leg stump?…Not important. Playing boringly?..Afraid so, and up goes the finger….

2) The Bored Umpire

The bored Umpire is usually a non batting bowler who thinks batsmen are wimps because they don’t try hit every ball for six. He usually comes in at 10 or 11, doesn’t take guard and aims a giant swing at every delivery, occasionally he connects with a few and very occasionally makes a quick 16 or 20. This makes him, in his tiny deranged mind, an all-rounder who still thinks like a bowler. He thinks the benefit of the doubt as bulls**t…As an Umpire he gets more wickets than as a bowler…his explanations are:

‘He had his chance, didn’t he?’

‘It was such a good ball it deserved a wicket.’

‘Any how he was nearly out in the last over and he was playing so boringly…’

Shit it was only the third Over…….

3) The Soft Touch Umpire

When in doubt give in…’Well they all shouted so loudly it must have been out, mustn’t it?’ No it’s because you cracked last season…..This Umpire is usually replaced at the end of the over.

4) The Law of Averages Umpire

Usually Says Things Like….’Well you can’t turn em all down can you? It’s the law of averages, isn’t it?….No it is not….

5) The Coach Umpire

Usually umpires both ends…He often mutters things like ‘wait for the bad ball-there’ll be one anytime now.’..He usually points out the weakest fielder…Me usually, although I’m not alone.

6) The Stevie Wonder Umpire.

He is honest. Can count to six but gives everybody out…Always volunteers to Umpire…please be aware…

For Queensland and Country

2008-11-11T16:48:00.000-08:00

Cricket News

The Team...(This week guest Sponsor...Viagra...last longer...be harder....)

E Wild.. T Charlton ..DP Galbraith ..B .Bentley...*P Dunkley... SJ Gill... A Long... L Aguss ...JP Dunkley... .C Cooper .....+JH Larmett

Well , mighty Ocean Ridge completed their second round match.....We began by batting (Elliot 'Wildthing' and Tom 'Bobby' Charlton opened) and we scored 120...probably 40/50 shy of what we needed. Again, we were victims of poor shots brought about by inexperience. Two or three maidens is fine in a 72 over game if you are an opener, however players...(Young and Old) began to panic and we only settled in the middle with Longy and Gilly once again proving that an ugly 50 partnership is better than a beautiful attacking partnership of 10.....

We came back in week two, bowled poorly in spells and well in others..the boys really tried , but 120 was not defendable by this inexperienced team....Coops and Gilly bowled very well in a combined spell and brought the team within a sniff of a win. Coops, with 4 wickets didn't deserve to be rested, Dunks to be fair admitted this. We really need to bowl the best bowlers from now on and trust them especially when we have limited runs to play with. Interesting to note when the opposition had won and batted on, the two younger bowlers...Tom 'Bobby' Charlton, in particular bowled quite well.

CURRY NIGHT...followed the match and praise must be given to Johnny Larmett for producing a beautiful array of Curries.....A good night...and a stinging morning after....

CLUB GOSSIP....Whilst talking with Sharon Smith. The subject of Harves (Club President) was raised....Sharon asked...'why haven't you produced a picture of Harves'. I replied that I was struggling to find a suitable 'look a like' for him. Sharon voiced her opinion that, as a big fan of House..(The US programme, starring Hugh Laurie) she and Geoff...(QUOTE) 'ALWAYS SAY HOW ALIKE HOUSE AND HARVES ARE'.......she went on to say how sexy House is.....I made my excuses and left Sharon stirring a pot of rice looking momentarily dreamy.....You be the Judge...

NO...SURELY NOT......HOWEVER ANY SUGGESTIONS WILL BE GRATEFULLY RECEIVED...

And they're Off

2008-10-21T22:28:00.000-07:00

MATCH 1: October 11 2008
Venue: Heathridge Opponents: Western Suburbs

Team: SJ Gill T Charlton*P Dunkley E Wild S Young+A Long
BL Dunkley C Cooper JP Dunkley R Malcolm J Moller

Well the wait is over and the season has begun and wow we were.... BAD..... our first game saw us take the field in a, 'one day' 40 over competition...the team had so many new players I suggested name tags as a new playing kit idea.....The problem was, we had either men over 40.... Dunks...Gilly..Longy...or boys who haven't ever shaved.....Tom... Brandon...Scott...Jamie.... The lads in between...... had played so little that one asked when we were 'kicking off'.....oh Sh**....Think Dad's Army meets Harry potter, with the cast of Australia's got talent...making up the numbers.....OH S***

Well, we actually started quite well and managed to bowl the opposition team out for 94. Coops 5 wickets and Gilly 3 for 4... Rob a great catch on debut....OH SH** now we've upset them....we actually bowled really well and made up for lack of class and experience with good effort, team spirit, great bowling and fielding.

So during tea we should have been confident...however murmurs of "they have got enough" were heard...from our changing rooms!!!... So the chase began with youth and experience; Gilly and young Tom...well, 30 minutes later, Gilly (Me) was still standing at the one end of the wicket having watched 6 wickets fall for 20 runs....Oh S***...the shots were all awful and we never looked like chasing 94 and we didn't. Longy, (Picture a shorter, rounder Bruce Willis...yeah I know it's hard) was once again not out and showed that courage can take you a long way...Gilly was out soon playing a dreadful shot knowing that defence would have left him stranded and the team still 50 short....
The post match chat was a problem...to bowl them out was great...really great, but to give our wickets away so easily was shocking and more shocking because the lack of sensible batting.... we gave them wickets ...they didn't take them...

Coops tends the Bar while Jase, Rob and Scott prepare to drown their sorrows......

Club Gossip...James 'Ducky' Cornwell (Could be the best bowler in the Club) has let it slip that last season he was bowled 1st ball by a ten year old girl in a charity game...surprising thing is..... no one was surprised
Here we see the sad episode played out..... Oh maybe that's what distracted him....

Men for All Seasons

2008-09-20T03:32:00.000-07:00

As Winter approaches in Britain...Over here, in Australia, Summer and cricket are almost back.... Indoor 'Nets' began weeks ago with a healthy mix of 'old farts' ......young 'pups' and the 'others'....We are now practicing outdoors...twice per week.....
I am playing once again for Ocean Ridge Cricket Club and pre season in well under way. I thought I would introduce you to some of the characters of Ocean Ridge Cricket Club....

Mase..(Cricket Manager)...(picture Homer Simpson with a clip board)...Nice guy who is trying to encourage 'winning' cricket at the club.

Mase

Geoff Smith....loves Ocean Ridge... not the greatest fan of Mr Gill...an attribute that might endear him to many this season.... Not a bad cricketer...not as good as Gilly but eh.....

Geoff Smith

Dunks...A real nice guy a club veteran who is going to have to put up with Mr Gill in the same team... Dunks will drag his aching body through, 'one more season', or so he tells me...'see you next year then Dunks'.....Gilly and Dunks could be a great 'double act'.

Dunks

Dinga...Lingy...Linger....Daniel....(1st Team Captain and Club Coach) A nice guy and very good Cricketer...almost as good as Gilly....(That's a rare compliment)...Dinger is neither an 'old fart' or a 'Pup' as he seems hard to age...some say he's 35...some say he's 12...you be the judge...

Which one is Dinga???

Gibbo....Scares me.... a lot...What the british see as an Aussie....A good cricketer, a 'big' guy with a bashed up patched up body...My first memory of Gibbo was meeting him at nets and on seeing him limping and making the enquiry 'have you injured something'...... half an hour later he had listed 10 injuries that made me wince...and remember I'm a 25 year veteran nurse...I do remember Harves mouthing, 'don't ask him' behind his back....

GIBBO

(Here seen pointing at Gillys Ball before bowling to him)

Gilly...(Me)...The Pom...Well....I love the game and still want to play all the time. I believe in aggressive attacking Cricket and I hope we win something this season....I like to call it sexy cricket...Mind you I have mixed in good Cricketing circles in the past...

Gilly

Training has produced some new players this year...many of them brits. I do hope that they all remember the greatest Cricketer...other than Gilly...was born here...that man of course.......... Don Bradman.....with a batting average of 99.94.

2008 marks the centenary of Bradman's birth and 60 years ago when he finished his last Test match. His achievements remain without equal. From the moment he retired there has been a compulsion both to explain how he did what he did and to try to unveil the next Bradman. (Come on Dinga he might be at training???!!!)

It is one thing to laud the scale of his run-scoring, it is another to contemplate that its like will never be seen again. Usain Bolt has run into history in the past few weeks with two performances which broke the world records for 100m and 200m and demonstrated again what it is that humans do. They get better...(Harves, Smithy..take note..we don't need youngsters)Yet nobody has come close to emulating Bradman by any yardstick. Of batsmen to have played 20 Test innings, none average above 70, only four above 60.....WOW Enjoy 'The Don' here on film...Stew

Moaney Moaney

2008-08-07T00:11:00.000-07:00

Hello Folks ....We have just had our first visitors, Tom and Anne..(My Cousins) and Seamus (Jackies brother) ....We had a lovely few days with Seamus and here we are, mid winter at Cottesloe Beach

Lots of our friends are planning emigration and Perth is great...However lets dispell some myths....

YES You can get a cold in Australia, even when its in the middle of summer and the temperature is in the low hundreds every day.
I think it comes down to the crappy nights due to the hot nights. Oh and the dehydration due to the unhealthy mix of beer and hot nights....

YES IT DOES RAIN...Perth gets more rain per year than Manchester!!!! but is concentrated in 4/5 months...the summers..(as you will read) are bloody long and hot...During the weekend there was a sever weather warning and we were advised to move anything ‘loose’ such as garden furniture from outside to under cover to minimise the possibility of damage....I’m not talking about the flatulent variety either. I’m talking about seriously strong wind of the climatological kind so serious in fact that they even gained tornado status!...The Gill chose this weekend to go away...The Sat Nav broke in the middle of a forest and we drove for hours with no clue where we were...all the time afraid we would be struck by lightening...crushed by giant hailstones...or blown away....We did still have a great holiday whale watching in the Margaret River area.
http://www.margaretriver.com/

I thought I would recount our first Summer 2006.

Diary of a The Gill's first Summer in Perth
August 31st
Just moved into our new home in Perth, Western Australia now this is a City that knows how to live!!Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the veranda It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here.
September 13th:
Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I’m turning into a sun worshiper.
September 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
October 13th..(Jackies Birthday)
The temperature hasn’t been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it’s kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
October 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.Missed 3 days of work. What a stupid thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.
October 20th:
I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like s***. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.
October 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant feckin blow dryer!! And it’s hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.
October 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $1,000,000 house and we can’t even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
November 4th:
It’s 38 degrees. Finally got the ol’ air-conditioner fixed today.It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but the bloody humidity makes the house feel like it’s about 30. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid friggin place.
November 8th:
If another wise arse cracks, “Hot enough for you today?” I’m going to throttle him. Friggin heat! By the time I get to work the car’s radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soakin wet, and I smell like baked cat!!
November 9th:
Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol’ car. I thought my friggin arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my arse. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse, and baked cat.
November 10th:
The weather report might as well be a recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and friggin sunny. It’s been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Doesn’t it ever rain in this damn place? Water rationing will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the pool. Even the palms can’t live in this heat.
November 14th:
Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 41 today. Now the air-conditioner’s gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said, “Hot enough for you today?” Jackie had to stop me assaulting the BASTARD. Stuff Perth! What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?
December 1st:
WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer???? You are kidding!!

Have Perthy on us

2008-07-26T05:37:00.000-07:00

Hello Blog fans....Well Perth has been in the news this week.....Wow I hear you Yawn....
I was lucky enough to meet ms Rice and she loved the blouse I bought for her......I was very upset by the way the media viewed my choice.....
Condoleezza Rice showed a little bit more than she intended at a recent Perth visit, courtesy her flesh-coloured blouse. Rice started day two of her Perth stopover with a morning coffee at trendy Perth cafe Cino To Go, with her host, Australian local immigrant, Stewart Gill. With the camera lights flashing her blouse appeared a little more revealing that she would have expected. Later, Rice cheered and applauded by 450 schoolgirls after answering their questions during a visit to their school.

In world news .... Radovan Karadzic was supposedly captured I found myself thinking he could have hidden in Perth and would never have been found. I found myself asking......

Karadzic. .....Who Did They Really Capture?
I think we’re all agreed it isn’t Karadzic, so who did they really arrest?
Suggestions so far:
Willie Nelson.
Santa Claus.
Charles Darwin .
Fidel Castro ..
Chuck Norris.
Karl Marx.
Uncle Albert.
Brian Blessed.
The Arch Bishop of Canterbury.

Saddam Hussein...again.

My guess is that LARGE beards make people EVIL..... Here is the proof

Australia not just the Barbie capital of the World..... they love fast food and pastries...This has lead to an obesity epidemic...this is strange and worrying as we came here for a healthier lifestyle. The following article says it all...

As Australia sends its Olympic team to Beijing, just how representative is this trim and taut group compared to the rest of the country? If you thought Australians are all home doing their routine 26-mile run, beating their personal best in the pool and then fortifying themselves with a macrobiotic diet, there is only one response -- fat chance!
The average Australian is breaking records all right, but it has more to do with the waistline than the finish line. Australia has become the fattest nation in the world, with the highest proportion of its population overweight. Australia has more than nine million adults obese or overweight, according to a report by Australia's Baker Heart and Diabetes Institute released last month. The latest figures show four million Australians -- or 26% of the adult population -- are now obese, compared to 25% of Americans.

Given the above here is McDonalds response

Have you ever woken up and needed 4 eggs, 5 pieces of bacon, 2 sausage patties, 6 pieces of cheese, 3 chicken nuggets, some onion rings,and mayonaise on a giant sourdough roll to get you going in the morning? Well your prayers have been answered. Those are the ingredients to McDonald's new breakfast sandwich, "The HeartBreaker".With 2,000 calories, 120g fat, 125g carbohydrates, and a whopping 3,600mg sodium, "The HeartBreaker" more than doubles its competition in nutritional value. McDonald's announced the sandwich as part of a new campaign aimed at the 18-34 yr. old men market. "This is a sandwich for real men

This is What should happen to Ronald McDonald...

Lord of the Dance

2008-06-29T22:39:00.000-07:00

Hello blog fans.........Sorry for the delay life has been very busy....House hunting.....Work.....Kids sport...all of this makes for little time... although dancing still figures high for me ....Look... I was young.... I needed the money.......errr

Still this is a great place to be...although fuel is now $1.53...thats 75p a litre.....

James has recovered from a broken arm and has become quite the goalkeeper his team are top of the league and James is a very brave lad diving at peoples feet etc...my brother also broke his arm as did James mate Jack...here are Rob and James...

Stephen misses his family but has settled into a busy school and social life...parties, swimming and soccer....

Jackie is happy as she now has a new engagement ring....The original one was very small with tiny diamonds? and was frankly an embarassment...she now has a beaut 3/4 carat ring...and a smile.

And me well here I am happy at work...

Australia is great but I thought I would share some more strange observations.....news is generally pretty dull...(They have a dull prime minister....Kevin 'paint dry' Rudd) however their is always room for the eccentric story and character...like this true story from the West Australian newspaper.

It's never a good idea to get behind the wheel after a few drinks, especially nude. Apparently, it's also not advisable to drunkenly navigate a motorized wheelchair either!

This was evidenced recently when commuters on the Captain Cook Highway in Northeastern Australia were forced to swerve around a wheelchair during their commute.

Driving the chair was 64-year-old Lans Murphy, whose blood-alcohol content was six times the legal limit when authorities apprehended him. He was also nude."There are also other classes of vehicles that are subject to drink-driving laws," explained a police spokesperson. "People should be aware that drink-driving laws cover these kinds of vehicles, but also others like horses, skate boards, roller skates, and bicycles.
We once arrested an intoxicated person on a merry-go-round!"

Australia is great...........
They also have a local politician who did the following.......

WEST Australian Liberal leader Troy Buswell broke down in tears yesterday after admitting he sniffed the chair of a female staffer after a meeting in his office in late 2005, but he refused to stand down over his extraordinary behaviour.
Mr Buswell agreed that his actions were inappropriate and offensive, but he said he had strong support from his colleagues to remain leader.
He said it was up to voters to decide if he was fit to be premier but he had now modified his behaviour.
Just 24 hours after 13 times labelling the chair sniffing an "unsubstantiated, anonymous rumour" which he would not comment on, Mr Buswell finally admitted he sniffed the woman's chair seat after she got up so he could get a laugh from other staff.

Love.....Stew

G'DAY MATE

2008-06-08T23:49:00.000-07:00

Hello Blog fans.....

I wanted to share some Aussie 'strangeness' with you...

The image is always one of 'The Great British Eccentric'....oh no the Aussies are a far stranger Breed....

Lets look at cooking and eating......

OK, so here's the story..... when we were over here in Australia in 2006 we discovered that no childrens party is complete without 'Fairy Bread'. Most Aussies have grown up with the simple idea of taking buttered bread and sprinkling it with either multi-coloured Hundreds & Thousands, or multi-coloured Sprinkles.

So we move back to the UK for a few months in 2007 , are in temporary accommodation (Mother in laws house) and my youngest Stephen is invited to a school party.

Hmmm, we need something simple and easy for his classmates to share on this auspicious occasion that requires no cooking due to lack of time....(as usual my kids give us 1 hours notice of 'URGENT' events), and won't cost a fortune, (as its 7:30 in the morning and I have no money).

AH-HA! I cry, 'fairy bread will cover the situation nicely!"But being a new school and culture will they allow treats to be brought in. So the teacher is approached with the simple request of bringing in fairy bread. "Fairy bread???", "Never heard of it!"I, thinking as with so many other things (I am a bloke) imagine that they have another name for it, just like how OMO is called Persil, Kleenex toilet paper is Andrex and set-top boxes are called digi-boxes, and begin to explain......."I know what 100's & 1000's are......but as to the rest...? But it sounds yummy, so go right ahead!"So I prepare for the miraculous miracle of making fairy bread, thinking to myself the teacher will either be disappointed in the results having imagined something much more creative, or will simply turn around with "Oh THAT - So off we trot to school, fairy bread in hand, and to my amazement the teacher is impressed and has never seen anything like it. "But it's such a simple idea....!" I stammer, thinking she's having me on, but no, she genuinely hasn't ever come across it before. "It must be a cultural dish" she says."Well, it might be..." I reply, "..but no-one's ever pointed that out to me before...."So the humble fairy bread, a 'cultural' Australian delicacy? Who would have thought it!

Beer Can Chicken
Beer can chicken is something that I first heard about from a friend over here, but I have not heard of anyone making it and my mentioning it to other people has resulted in blank stares as though I was some crazed smart arsed pom trying to make the 'cultured Aussie' look silly The principle is that by putting a canister of liquid inside the bird, the steam created keeps the meat moist throughout the cooking process whilst still allowing the skin to crisp on the outside whilst also allowing the liquid from the can to also flavour the meat.

Pie and Sauce.....also known as 'dog's eye and dead horse' in Aussie slang.....The Aussies love Pie and Sauce in fact Aussies love pastry and cakes...I have never seen as many bakeries and cake shops anywhere...Every day stops for morning tea where you take turns to supply cakes or other pastry goodies...lord help you if you miss your turn....

The pie is considered iconic and has been described by many, as Australia's "national dish".

LASTLY....BUT MOST IMPORTANT.... THE BARBIE

There is nothing more Australian than a barbie. Other countries like to drink beer. Other countries have a pub culture. But in our travels throughout the world we have never met a culture that enjoys barbeques quite like the Australians. They have the climate for it. They have the informality for it. They have the friendliness for it. It is very much part of the way of life, and is enjoyed from Broome to Brisbane to Bourke. And at all levels of society.
Given the barbie's importance culturally, I thought I would set out a guide for the uninitiated to allow them to conduct their own barbie, or if lucky enough to be invited to one, to ensure they behave in a way that is culturally sensitive.(YES CULTURE In many respects they leave the UK standing)

Generally the steps of a barbie are as follows:
1. Get the beer.

2. Get the barbie.

3. Get the meat.

4. Get the salads (optional).

5. Drink, Cook and Eat in that order, preferably in the sun by the beach.
It really is as simple as that.

Once the beer is sorted you need to find yourself a barbie. The great thing about Australia is that it is full of barbies. Parks, beaches, camp sites - you name it, most of them have public barbies available to barbie hungry Australians. Some of them are wood barbies, and require you to light your own fire. Many, however, work on gas for nothing or a small fee. Of course, most homes have their own ( errr.. we don't yet...) and it is very common for Australians to invite their mates around to their place for a barbie. Unlike other places, Australian homes are large enough, and in a pretty enough environment with good enough weather to do this. It is perhaps for this reason that the Australian pub culture isn't as strong as some others - they are at home with their mates cooking up a few snags and having a laugh.

Males always cook barbies. The women make the salad. That's the way it is. It is a thing of pride for a bloke to be able to cook the meat at a barbie. Although to the untrained eye it may appear as though it simply involves whacking meat on a hot plate and waiting till it is black, it is in fact a very delicate and highly skilled art. It is for this reason that men gather around the barbie when the host is cooking, drinking their beer, and offer very specific advice on how he is going. A bit like how 3 british council workers sit around a forth digging a hole and tell him how he could do that better. Sometimes the cook (who always starts off as the host), will get pissed and offer the tongs to one of the commentators. This is a sign of aggression similar to slapping someone in the face with a glove. A person needs to be very careful about his response: once the tongs are taken, it is a statement of cooking superiority and a commitment to see the barbie through unless the recipient's skills are also challenged and the tongs passed on again. Young players are advised to respectfully decline the tongs until their skills are more fully developed and they are confident cooking for a large group.
It is quite possible for 3 or 4 blokes to be involved in cooking the one barbie due to such challenges.
I tend to bring the salads and let the Aussie men think...'Pommie Poof'

Love Stew

Mother Lookin

2008-05-11T21:50:00.000-07:00

Hello Blog fans....

This weekend in Australia it was mothers day and as Jackie missed out last year...(We left Aus in April, missing the UK event in March and also the Aussie one in May)...we decided to make it up to her by being good boys...we tidied the house brought presents (Day spa vouchers) and went for a meal...here is Stephens framed message for mum...ahhhhh

Football Update....Stephen has played two games at Micro Soccer as part of the Heathridge Soccer Club...No score is kept and the idea is fun and skill building...

James team has now won four in a row and is unbeaten. James has being playing in goal and won man of the match last week...this week they won 9-2......our gentle mild mannered boy becomes transformed when in goal and was overheard telling his defender to 'chin him' if the opposition player swore again....I don't know where he gets it from...

What with Football, Cricket , Swimming, golf and cross country we struggle to stay in....however watching 'winter' soccer when it is 25 degrees does have its compensations...

At Stephens school cross country awards they gave out 1st 2nd 3rd and 4th prizes...I don't think Mr 4th was too happy....

Australia is truly great at many things...however I have spotted a weakness...they can,t understand bad taste...As we have been house hunting we have witnessed some truly wonderful items of decorations and ornamentation...these are all true by the way...The one featuring James was a house we visited twice...the second time just to get the photo...how naughty are we.....

We witnessed carpeted toilet seats...art so bad you had nightmares for days...(note: bad artists cannot draw fingers or feet and find any excuse to hide this..people standing in water or wearing mittens is very common...just look next time..)...This picture was in a house seen on the same day as the house above ...how lucky was that..two pieces of tat in one day......(Note the Feet and hands...see what I mean...)

In one case...(genuine) a disturbing album cover..below...was placed on display....AND THIS IN A HOUSE THEY WERE TRYING TO SELL

The use of zany toilet roll covers has become an epidemic...the one below we were told by the agent was an Aboriginal lady...... God the Aussies really should apologise.....

LOVE STEW

Tooth Hurty

2008-04-29T23:37:00.000-07:00

What a GREAT week... West Brom got promoted back to the Premier League which means I will be able to watch them every week on the TV...... I also had a comic moment you dream about. On Saturday I broke a tooth.....On sunday, I visited Dr Chin (a Chinese Dentist) ...the appointment time ......(Wait for it....)....2:30.....(Come on how funny is that)...More about Dentists later...

Their is something exciting about watching English football when you live in Australia. It is always dark outside, it is always late at night, or the early ours and I am usually alone...although I get texts throughout the game from agonised mates going through the torture of being a West Brom fan...comments like .."Why do I do this, they always let me down"...often followed by...."Yes I knew we'd do it"... I sometimes feel like a very distant agony aunt who is just as anxious herself...

I am so glad we are back..for myself my friends, but mostly for my boys, who still support the 'Albion', despite living in a country where only Man U... Liverpool..Arsenal...and Chelsea figure. I always get a lump in the throat when my boys wear their Albion shirts and proudly explain for the tenth time...'I support West Brom cus they are the greatest'. And now they are at least back in the big time...West Brom is mine...my Dad's..my brothers and lots of my families team and it links my boys to their 'black country' heritage and links them to my loved ones...They are proudly Irish and Catholic....like their mum and her great family but they are also black country lads like my Dad...Grandad..and Great Grandad...However I remind them supporting the Albion is like tooth ache at times...which brings me back to Dentists...

Growing up, I never had a problem going to the dentist. I, unlike most children who feared the sights, sounds, and smells of the dental office, actually enjoyed going. But as a 40+-old with sensitive teeth, a routine cleaning has become the bain of my existence.

To illustrate the point, I've made a list of what it was like to go to the dentist then and what it's like to go to the dentist now.

Then:There were plenty of comics to read in the waiting room. Beano/Dandy/Tiger and Scorcher , how I miss you!
Now:You're lucky if there's an issue of Newsweek from June '02.

Then:The Dentist had posters of cartoon characters happily brushing and flossing.
Now:The Dentist has posters of adult gingivitis and oral cancer. Bleeding gums and black teeth are not very appetizing before lunch.

Then:The Dentist used disclosing tablets that turned my teeth bright red in order to show me where the plaque was (and really, what 8-year-old boy wouldn't love to have red teeth?).
Now: The Dentist must've been a torturer in a former life because this lady can scrape and prod like nobody's business.

Then:No bills to pay and the receptionist loaded me down with parting gifts: a sparkly purple toothbrush, bubble gum-flavored toothpaste, a smiley face sticker, and a cherry lollipop.
Now:I pay the bills. 'Nuff said.

Love stew

No Fashion Sense

2008-04-18T01:57:00.000-07:00

Hello Bloggers, here is a true tale to make you parents, shoppers and teenagers all smile...

When in the UK last 2007 my son purchased lots and lots of Lonsdale and Everlast clothing only to find out that....(according to his friends in the UK) it was naff, chavvy and NOT to be worn...As his one mate said...'did you buy the bottle of white lightning cider to go with the t shirt'...so he promptly threw away the lot before we came back to Australia..."I don't want anyone laughing at me at my new school"...he stated....

We arrive in Australia only to discover that Lonsdale and Everlast tee shirts and clothing is the height of fashion and very very expensive....

This plain Everlast shirt.....UK price £4.00......Aussie Price......$45.00...=£21.00

This Lonsdale hoodie....UK....£12.99...Aussie....$67.00

As my son, James says..... doh!!!

Love Stew

Boys and their Toys

2008-04-15T21:19:00.000-07:00

Hello bloggers.....

what a great week it has been.The boys have broken up for the easter holidays and we continue to house hunt. All the advice seems to be around waiting it out awhile and picking up a bargain later in the year.. Here is the house we almost bought (We put an offer in and changed our minds)..http://reiwa.com/lst/lst-ressale-details.cfm?prop_no=29&searchRef=Ocean%20Reef&ID=2413314

James continues to play indoor cricket now it is winter and his team...The Sharks Everyone has to have nicknames on their shirts (It is the law in Australia) here is James with his mate, Jack 'Barks' Barker...(Everyone in Australia has a nickname...Everyone...arghhhhh)

Stephen is playing 'soccer' ...football, for Heathridge Soccer club, as is James. Here is Stephen, minus front teeth, with a team mate.

On Saturday evening we went to an Astronomical Society event and took the boys and their friends, Jack and Nathan...wow... we looked at the moon...mars...gas nebulas..?? all for $30 (13 quid) we followed that with a trip to the Joondalup show...(So great we went on Sunday too) Fab Four Beatles tribute....fireworks....break dancing...fairground rides...lots of food stallls.... oh and 30 degrees......Just like Birmingham on a Saturday.....

James and myself went to a birthday party at a great place called Lazer Corp, which is an outdoor lazer fighting venue...Great..... men and Boys allowed to run around shooting each other followed by a beer and Sausage sizzle (Regular term used here for a sausage based Barbie)...As you can see the boys look ready for action..lets hope they never have to do this for real...

It is always important to remember that real men and boys have done it for real and we have ANZAC Day to help everyone remember. For those in non Aussie countries ANZAC Day – 25 April – is probably Australia's most important national occasion. It marks the anniversary of the first major military action fought by Australian and New Zealand forces during the First World War. ANZAC stands for Australian and New Zealand Army Corps. The soldiers in those forces quickly became known as ANZACs, and the pride they soon took in that name endures to this day.
Stew

Complain... Me.....Never

2008-04-09T22:57:00.000-07:00

Well as I sit here today I am trying to decide if I am having a panic attack or a coronary….. this used to be a regular occurrence for me, as I was a confirmed hypochondriac. However like to feel I am reformed…I do, however have to be aware at all times of the possibility of a relapse into my former condition…..maybe it is just a cold…or flu…no, bird flu……or it could be the half bottle of wine I had last night….

People are always calling me a hypochondriac and let me tell you...it just makes me sick.

The reason for this rather strange opening paragraph is the thought I often have about ‘things going too well’…I mean I have a lovely family, great job, I live in a paradise country, I am very handsome…just checking you are still reading… and West Brom are playing well…so why do we always fear something will take it away….

I explored this and have discovered we are all the same, just waiting for some bastard to ruin things…I think it goes back to that childhood experience of someone kicking over our ‘lego’ tower or sandcastle….you know, I am often left thinking…. ‘If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.’…

Well the problem is, who do we complain to about worry eh??…I am certainly not going to upset god …just in case…so I complain and moan about things, purchases and services work best..

Here are some genuine Council Complaints from across the UK and Australia..they are funny…and you know I am feeling better…

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off .

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and she would like it in the garden before we move house.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6a.m., his cock wakes me up and now it's getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife
I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.

My bush is really overgrown around the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

...and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take any more.

LOVE STEW

They do things different here

2008-04-03T02:52:00.000-07:00

Hello folks...Well the more I live in Australia the more I realise just how different they do things and how uniquely British/American/Australian they are.....Here are some strange illustrations of very American like churches and their signs and some number plates we have photographed...These are all genuine by the way

Exhibit 1) Unfortunately, it is to be followed by Miserable May.

Exhibit 2)..I can't bare much more

Exhibit 3)..No it really does say what you think....We took this last week....

Exhibit 4)....A man with Taste..Actually my birthday pressie

Well we have a very very busy weekend James has his 13th birthday party...West Coast Eagles play our beloved Fremantle Dockers...The West Brom play a semi final..and James plays soccer....err....Football..on Sunday...Oh and Jackie has become a muslim.....

MEN AND SHOPPING

2008-03-19T19:21:00.000-07:00

Hello I have emails asking for more personal stuff on 'life in Australia'

Let me know if you enjoy my writing style I am trying to improve.

Thursdays are generally family days, well family evenings actually. In Western Australia we only have ‘late night’ shopping on Thursday and as I and the children, tend to be playing sport on Saturdays. Thursdays have become our family shopping time…oh goody.

Last Thursday, Mrs Gill was in shoe-shopping mode, which means hours and hours of making some poor bloke in a cheap suit fetch endless boxes of more or less identical footwear and then deciding not to have anything, so I and the boys wisely decided to clear off and have a look at the toys, gadgets and other things that really interest men and boys.

To show her I love her, I first took her and the boys to the food court where we ate and she issued me with her usual precise instructions for a rendezvous. ‘Seven o’clock outside Woolworth’s. But listen – stop fiddling with that and listen - if Dingo & Wombat don’t have the shoes I want I’ll have to go to Beggs, in which case meet me at 7.15 by the frozen foods in the ING supermarket. Otherwise I’ll be in Angus & Robertson in the cookery books section or possibly the children’s books - unless I’m in Big W feeling toasters. But probably, in fact, I’ll be at Dingo & Wombat, trying on all the same shoes all over again, in which case meet me outside live clothing, no later than 7.27. Have you got that?’
‘Yes.’….(No).
‘Don’t let me down.’
‘Of course not.’ (In your dreams.)

I love shopping on my own and actually relish following a list supplied by my wife. However I hate the endless waiting for your other half and there is a universal look men give each other in shoe and clothing shops across the world.
Recently, in my local shopping centre, whilst waiting for Jackie to look at the same blouse for the tenth time I spotted a bloke in a suit sitting next to a pile of shopping bags. He had an enormous Australian beard – (Picture Billy Connelly) and the sort of world-weary look of someone who has long since abandoned hope of going home for a beer. ‘Have you been here long?’ I asked. He exhaled thoughtfully and said: ‘Put it this way mate. I was clean shaven when I got here.’ I just love that.

http://www.westfield.com/whitfordcit

STEWY

When Irish Eyes are Aussie

2008-03-17T21:02:00.000-07:00

Hello blog lovers.

“slainte agus fad saol chughat is go b,fhaig tu pog anocht”

Happy Easter and St Patricks weekend.

I love my connection to the Irish. I married the daughter of Irish Parents, have wonderful Irish in-laws...'The McElroys' (Those of us Married to the McElroys were christened the 'Outlaws' by Bernadette, my wifes sister....we got our revenge by starting the 'I married a McElroy' Club...see t shirts...still available upon request) and two boys who know and love their Irish routes.

http://www.mcelroyclan.zoomshare.com/

The Irish tradition of travel has been a long one and helps those of us a long way from home feel somehow connected to an Irish culture. Often through the usual Irish theme pub, but more importantly through the work of enthusiastic individuals like those featured in this web site:

http://www.blarneybulletin.com/

Anyhow it is always great to pretend to be Irish if only for a day and I like the effect Guinness has on me, leaving me...full and satified...like a good Irish meal...

I was trying to find an Irish joke that didn't follow the drinking stereotype and came across this one...I liked it a lot....

A Dog’s Funeral
Muldoon, an Irish immigrant in Australia lived alone in the bush with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, me dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying a mass for the poor creature?”
Father Patrick replied, “I’m afraid not, we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some methodists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.
Muldoon said, “I’ll go right away, Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough for donate for the service?”
Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus? Why didn’t ya’ tell me the dog was Catholic?”

Love The Gills

Man's little secrets

2008-03-11T22:59:00.000-07:00

FIRST MAY I SAY....... YESSSSSSS

BARAK THE ALBION FAN
West Bromwich Albion Football Club...My beloved Albion (real pre 1990's fans call them Albion) are into the FA Cup Semi Final.

Supporting 'The Albion' has always been a great lesson in life. Despite all our plans, life chooses its own route...usually one that reminds us not to take things for granted...However, like all supporters of underdogs I still believe......I believe we will mess it up mostly..... but until then ....YESSSSSS..

Well I am really beginning to love Australia and find myself enjoying little differences more and more. Here are some observations.....I was sat waiting in my GP surgery (don't worry I was temporarily deaf due to swimmers ear)...what do mean you weren't worrying....Anyhow the waiting room scenario gives men the chance to indulge in one of their many little secret hobbies....Womens magazine reading....(Hello, cosmo, etc...) and I have concluded that liberation has well and truly arrived in Australia, however, as with everything over here a compromise to Aussy decency is made..For example a British article about the shrinking rain forest, becomes......'The endangered rain forest...good place for a shag, or not'. The thinning ozone worry becomes...'will ya bum get burned, if you're shagging in the rainforest'....most odd

Humans eternally do silly things the following article from the Western Australian press made even 'Albion' fans look 'normal'...

A 42-year-old man who became entangled in a tree while paragliding with his pet chihuahua east of Melbourne was rescued by emergency services after a five-hour search.
The paraglider set off on a routine flight with his chihuahua strapped to him from Donna Buang Summit Road, near Warburton, just before 5pm (AEDT) yesterday.
But shortly after take-off the pilot became entangled in a tree and called 000 from his mobile phone.

Local police began a ground search as a police helicopter scoured the area, and they eventually made contact with the uninjured man about 6.40pm.

He was dangling from a tree about 35 metres above the ground near Don Gap.

Police, ambulance paramedics, Country Fire Authority officers and State Emergency Service volunteers walked into the area and found the pilot about 9.15pm.

Police search and rescue officers climbed the tree, placed a harness around the man and carried him to safety an hour later.
The man was treated for cuts by paramedics and taken to the Maroondah Hospital for observation.

All I have to say is why the hell would you take your dog paragliding? but then again the Aussies...all tough, macho and cynical do seem to spoil their dogs...check out the following pictures and links...all genuine I promise..

(btw, 000 is Australian emergency number, same as 999 in THE uk)

http://www.fluppies.com.au/product.asp

2008-03-05T17:54:00.000-08:00

Hi blog fans.....(I sound like a Perth radio DJ....more of them later)

Well, it has been a strange week.

My wife tells me I am officially a grumpy old Man as it is my birthday this week......You be the judge.

The Cricket season finished and we won, with little (well.. not so little) me winning Man (well..not very manly) of the match.....The skipper has only played with me for 6 weeks and has almost suffered a nervous breakdown (He has lost 10 kilo since I returned...maybe 'the Gill influence' diet book could be a big seller)

The problem is that, I am still hopelessly addicted to Cricket and have found myself playing a little below my standard...(Picture Rambo turning up in Dad's Army) and I do like to remind everyone about this...especially the opposition who tend not to take kindly to a pom 'taking the piss' (This week an opposition opener who looked like Phil Collins was driven mad by my saying 'he'll hit it in the air tonight' and 'come on lads Buster gut to get him out')...Oh come on.., however the Captain has to put up with my demands to bowl and bat when I want to every week.

Having spoken to an old Cricketing colleague this week, I realise I DO HAVE A PROBLEM...I am Cricket addict who cannot even contemplate a day when I will stop and still dreams he might play for England or Australia...(Of course in Gill world I am still good enough)...now do you see my dilemma...by the way none of this is a joke.......ANY ADVICE PLEASE....

The rest of the week has, however been good apart from the inane radio hosts who drive me mad...arghhhhhh!!!

For example Woken by the radio alarm this morning (and every morning because my radio is broken) by Some inane DJ's saying "Rise and shine, campers, and don't forget your booties 'cause it's coooold out there today."...No it wasn't it was 30 bloody degrees when I woke and it has been 30 plus for 6weeks.... arghhhhh....Oh but it gets worse because my Children 6 & 12 think that this DJ and his colleague are comedy geniuses....

One part of the show consists of a 'gotcha' call ....you know where unsuspecting members of the public are telephoned by the radio host...all standard fayre but NO, this guy specialises in getting the listener to impersonate animals....'Hello, we have had a complaint, from your neighbours, about your dog/Cat/Kangaroo/Cow/ Chickens..(Really) making too much noise. Can you let me hear what it usually sounds like.' and they always....ALWAYS oblige...My kids are crying with laughter...I am just crying.....
The other thing the radio stations do, is play the same songs for weeks...kill meeeeee

Check the B******s out yourself http://www.929.com.au/

Tonight, I go to the Cricket Club awards night and much drinking will take place, as anyone who knows me will tell you I am no drinker in fact when I went for a drink with my pommie mate, Kevin and asked for a shandy for him and a white wine and soda for myself the barman asked...(genuinely) if I wanted a ladies glass.

A friend of mine sent this to me, he bought a LIGHT beer in Meekatharra - about 650km North-East of Perth. Attached is the receipt he recieved... this is of course why all Aussie men drink FULL STRENGTH beer.

Love as always Stew

WHERE ON PERTH ARE WE

2008-02-28T16:37:00.000-08:00

Hello folks...well we are still here.

I sat at work today smuggly thinking of how very lucky I am to be me. Healthy, happy,( I was going to write handsome..but even I laughed) lots of people to love and love me back. Still able to run around and play the sports I love..Cricket, Golf.

The general feel to this trip to Australia is one of being less stressed and of not pressuring ourselves as much to 'make it work'.

I am working as a clinical specialist in Child and Adolescent Mental Health. I am based across two clinics Warwick....based in the Northern suburbs and Shenton clinic, near Subiaco, the town where my Dad lived in the 1920's and 30's. (Dad died in 2002)

I pass his old house (It is still there 141 Bagot Road) and see children in my clinic that attend his old school (Subiaco Primary)...If that doesn't tell us something about the circular nature of life nothing does. Their is an old tree just next to his old house and it is hard not stop my car every day to feel the bark, knowing that he would have played and climbed the very same tree as a child the same age as my boys.

My Dad would have been so pleased we were now living here.

Here I am treating this like a diary...sorry..and not what it is supposed to be.....'an hilarious collection of anecdotes'.......

I got to thinking that all my years working with children and being in a female dominated profession may be making me....'politically correct'...arghhh...so to dispell this myth, here is an old one...

His and Her Diary Entry

HER DIARY ENTRY:

'He was in an odd mood Friday night. We planned to meet at a pub for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it.
The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go Off somewhere more intimate so we could talk a bit more privately.

We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else.

I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he didn't say it back or anything, this is really worrying me.

We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV, and sat with a distant look in his eyes that seemed to say its all over between us.Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed.

Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, he responded to my advance and we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else and that my life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY ENTRY:

Australia lost. Got a shag though.

Just to finish an Aussie story that makes you clench your fist and go YESSSS!!

Biker surprise for Sydney robbers
Two armed robbers who targeted a Sydney bar that was hosting a bikers' meeting must have "failed robber school", said the club's chairman.
The men stormed the bar brandishing machetes and wearing balaclavas - unaware that 50 bikers were holding a meeting in an adjoining room.
Alerted to the robbery, some of the bikers chased the men as they fled.
One was caught after trying to escape through a back door. He was later treated in hospital for minor injuries.
The other man ran off but was arrested by police in a street nearby.
Southern Cross Cruiser Club chairman "Jester" told local media that the robbers had "picked the wrong night".

GREAT....Stew

To Hull and back

2008-02-25T02:23:00.001-08:00

Hello folks Hope you enjoy the photos.

I hope to put more photographs on each week....

Well I returned to form this week scoring a 2 1/2 hour 72 in Saturdays cricket match. One boundary meant I ran a great deal. Thank goodness I ran the New York marathon in November........(Notice two brags for the price of one)

Some of the pictures were taken at the match at Prince Regent oval, whilst I and the kids sheltered from the 36 degree heat.....ha ha.
Stephen loyally wears his West Brom shirt little knowing that hours later the baggies would do what they always have done...try to ruin a great weekend.....Losing to Hull....

The other piccies were taken Sunday at the Perth Zoo and afterwards in the pool at our temporary house.

Meanwhile I am trying to persuade Jackie to allow...? me to go to the cup final should..(when) we get to Wembley. All donations to the Wembley trip gratefully received...

This week sees more house hunting...grrrrrrr and settling into work...zzzzzz. The weather and the lifestyle has meant I am more relaxed than ever.

In the past year though the family trips and adventures have been fantastic, Monaghan in particular.. and Angies birthday a close second.

We await news of the loves and lives of you all.....

Love Stewby dooby dooo

BIG DOWN UNDER

2008-02-17T20:05:00.000-08:00

Hello Everyone

Big love to Jackies Sister Angela who is recovering from a broken shoulder, suffered when on holiday where she tripped on her shoulder bag.....(I kid you not)....She was infact SOBER....

Rumour has it she had, however just seen two hunky spanish ambulance men..... Still if anyone wants a shoulder to cry on Angela's isn't going anywhere for a while.

We all wish Angela well and look forward to seeing her in Aus soon.

This week I thought I would explore what is 'Big Down Under'..... ooh err missus and attempt to cheer everyone up.

Well strangely, humour is alive and well. However not all of it intentional......as this picture at our local shopping centre shows....

Australia is a great country to visit, however it instills strange images for tourists and here is a collection of odd tourism requests and questions....
These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism website. Obviously the answers came from fellow Aussies.....just trying to help:

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?
(UK) A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles, take lots of water...

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees.(USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Well folks the Albion won...5-0 and are marching on to Wembley..(Will Jackie let me come back for the final)

Fremantle Dockers won the local Derby..All we need now is Man Utd to get beat and I am a happy chap.

Next week photos......

Stew

Back Down Under

2008-02-12T20:22:00.000-08:00

Well the Gills' are back in Australia........Yes I know some of you told us so.......

James and Stephen have settled into their new schools and Jackie and myself are back at work.

This has been a very warm summer over here and is 36 today with an increase predicted for the weekend!!!!!!!

I hope that all the promises of visits come true. Dymphna and Angela have booked up. Karen and Mike are coming...Come on Paul you can't be beaten.....

I have worn my baggies hat whilst playing Cricket and have started a campaign to get the Cricket team I play for to adopt 'Baggies' as a nickname.

The baggies (WBA) have slipped from top to fourth since I went. However fear not.....because I have been dreaming of Wembley every night....The same dream where we beat Arsenal 3-1....weird... however in the dream Tony Mowbray keeps looking up to the crowd to check on my possible appearance in the second half and I never get the nod from him...not so weird.

My last baggies match was Charlton at home one of the coldest wettest games I can remember and as I and my two boys massaged our blue fingers to life I had the final indicator that warm evenings are where my future lies.

I would like baggies fans to consider supporting the Fremantle Dockers Aussie rules team, as they are very similer in the emotions they convey to their fans...hope over expectation all set in a retro 1970's style (Picture wooly hats and rattles...No really) with great eccentric fans, the one who sat in front of me at my last Dockers match yelled, for an hour.. "blood the bugger"....lovely.

What can you expect in a country whose biggest entertainment export are these boys..

Even Michael Jackson would hide his Kids from this lot.....

Love The Gills

An Aussie Pom..back.. in England

2007-05-09T13:37:00.000-07:00

Well.... another country another Season.

We are now back in the UK and a new Cricket season beckons.

I have now experienced my first game Penn versus Himley...I have to confess that the result mattered less than meeting some of my favourite people...... namely Dave Potts and Glyn Martin....hugs from mates are precious...isn't it a pity men lose the ability to hug in their teens and twentys...mind you Dave did nibble my ear rather too long for comfort.

Any how back to the Match.

The weather was bright and sunny. Dave Potts applied suncream to his head and I to my nose.

By the end of the game Dave's head and my nose resembled the match ball smooth .... red.... and shiny.

Amazing, after 13 months in 40 degree weather I come back to Britain and get sun burnt...!!!

We batted first and scored 175 (40 more would have made the Match close) Ghazi opened....(I first played Cricket with Ghazi 22 years ago and he is still smiling and putting up with me) Glyn went in at 3 Me 6 Dave 9? Ghazi got a good ball. Glyn fell trying to 'up' the run rate I perished through over confidence.....!!! Dave played too early...some would say hours too early....

Himley chased and never looked in danger.

The atmosphere was, however, great with the general tone being one of "bad day at the office"

The team has runs, lots of bowling variation and lots of experience (think Dads Army... coming good in the end) and should win most games it plays.

To under line my Dads Army theme look at Dave 'Godfrey' Potts.... and the rest of the Penn team drink to the next match....Need I say more...

Stew

Seasons End

2007-03-07T21:33:00.000-08:00

Shower Watch 143-16 ....The scent of ripe cheese is now overpowering!!!!!

Well Summer is now over although it is still 42 degrees outside!!!!

The Cricket Season is also now almost closed.

As regular bloggers will know I have been coaching Joondalup & Kinross under 12's Cricket team and this Saturday was the last Match.

Here is my tribute to them

This season has been a fabulous experience for everyone.Every single lad has been a star and I would be proud to call any one of them my son.

Lively, funny, cheeky, but always polite when needed. Not once was anyone rude or disrespectful to me .The improvement has been noticeable and the team spirit at times fantastic...

Jack...Always top effort...Hugely improved bowler...very attractive to magpies who attacked him and James non stop.

Zac...Safe hands 4 and 3 catches in a match. Great smiler. Great hair. Never pushy always polite.

Matty...Real talent showed great improvement. Loads of energy. Always found his way to 1st slip...once when he was the next bowler!!!

Connor...The allrounder... fastest bowler in league. Coolest sunglasses in team. The one we all thought could win a game single handed.

Nathan C...The best Keeper by a long way...Huge improvements in batting playing the good ball with respect and hitting the bad one. Smiling and energised all the time.

Nathan G...Very talented bowled the best over I saw all season at last but one match. Mr laid back... with the fastest growing feet in the team.

Liam G...Mr volunteer 'I'll keep wicket...open the bowling...field at first slip and open the batting...sometimes all at once...Great concentration listened better than most about defence. Future opener.

James G..Great batting technique...Three catches in a row in one match was a delight...Best Freddie Flintoff impressionist when taking a wickets in opening match...

Bhavit ..Hard hitting bat..very sensible and good leader...Only player who regularly bowled spin and pace...in the same over...

Ryan...Great potential... can play shots the others can't--- such as the on drive along the floor...Serious when needed but a great smile and laugh when team mates need it..

Liam M...Amazing skill development through season...the most improved batsman...Great fielder pulled off the catch of the season in first match.. Always ready to stick up for his team mates and quietly tell opposition loudmouths to 'shut up'...great throwing arm.

Meeth...Mr Demetrio..??...Great smile, great fun. Very determined ...to... not get out/Not let big brother beat him...Batted for long periods with great courage..Great memory of him being carried on the shoulders of team mates at Prendiville...The most popular lad in the team...

On the Subs bench;

Patrick H...Pancho Although Pat couldn't finish the season he was a valued team member.Big hair and big heart his bowling improved hugely and the delight when he got his first wicket in front of his Dad was a joy.

Rory J...Most effort whilst bowling award winner..Rory growled at the opposition when bowling don't know if it scared them but it terrified me. Super enthusiasm hopefully will carry on next season...

Neil the Assistant Coach...Neil was a great help to me and all the lads...Always positive and encouraging... never a cross word even though he's a Middlesborough fan.

Love Stew

Aussie Aussie Aussie Oi Oi Oi

2007-02-12T23:38:00.000-08:00

Shower Watch 132--14

.....The Aussie water phobia just rolls on and on.......Iraq have complained that the Aussie armpit constitutes a weapon of mass destruction...Still it keeps the flies off the beer......

Well as you may have noticed I have handed out (and taken) some stick over the past months. Through all of this the Aussies have shown great humour and sporting grace. I have grown to really love a lot of the people I have met...

Following Englands FANTASTIC win I was, as you can imagine, delighted. Boy did I dish it out and boy did they squirm... My favourite 'sparring' mate has been Jemma (Sister of Aussie Test Opener Justin) Here is what I did to her desk......

She, as always, smiled and showed great Aussie fairness..

This got me thinking about Aussie humour.

Australian humour has a long history that can be traced back to their origins as convict colonies.
(They are still strangely touchy about this...he he he) It is therefore no surprise that a national sense of humour quickly developed that responded to those conditions. This unique sense of humour is recognised (although maybe not always understood) the world over as being distinctly Australian.

Here are some of my findings

A black sense of humour
Australians can have a very black sense of humour. While in many cultures it is considered poor taste to find humour in difficult circumstances, Australians tend to look for this lighter side. This is perhaps our strongest reference to their brutal past, where humour was a means of coping with a bad situation. A brilliant (perhaps unintentional) example of this is the naming of the Harold Holt Memorial Swimming Pool in Melbourne after a Prime Minister who disappeared whilst swimming in the ocean in 1967.

Mocking the wowser
Mocking the wowser is another common element in Australian humour. Wowser is a term that refers to a person who is highly moral or politically correct. In 2002, a lawyer called O'Sullivan expertly demonstrated this aspect of Australian humour in the courtroom. Defending his client, who was charged with baring his buttocks, or 'mooning', at a policeman, O'Sullivan argued that 'mooning was accepted Australian behaviour and should be seen as a national icon'. The prosecutor, Michael Purcell, responded in wowser fashion by asking 'whether bare buttocks should replace the emu and kangaroo on Australia's coat of arms.'

Self Mocking
Australians also have a strong tradition of targeting themselves as objects of humour. A regular on the stand-up circuit is comedian Steady Eddy, who has cerebral palsy and uses his disability as material for his routines. One of his jokes talks about how hard it is for him to find love – whenever he sees a beautiful woman, he finds himself wishing ' …if only she had a limp'.

Great...Sick.... but.... Great

Love

Stew

In Memory of the Man Himself

2007-01-15T23:14:00.000-08:00

WE ARE ALL DEVASTATED THIS WEEK BY THE TERRIBLE NEWS OF THE DEATH OF

SEAMUS McAULEY

Seamus was Husband to Dymphna. Father to Christopher, Karen and Emma. Brother to many and friend to many many more.

I have tried to think of some words that summed up Seamus, in my mind, I came up with the following.

Proud...Cheeky...loyal.....stubborn....loveable....mischevious....wise...steady...unafraid...a 'mans' man...tidy....hard working...fun loving...Seamus.

I found the following really helpful when I lost my Dad.

Fathers Are Wonderful People

Fathers are wonderful people

Too little understood,

And we do not sing their praises

As often as we should...

For, somehow, Father seems to be

The man who pays the bills,

While Mother binds up little hurts

And nurses all our ills...

And Father struggles daily

To live up to "his image"

As protector and provider

And "hero of the scrimmage"...

And perhaps that is the reason

We sometimes get the notion,

That Fathers are not subject

To the thing we call emotion,

But if you look inside Dad's heart,

Where no one else can see

You'll find he's sentimental

And as "soft" as he can be...

But he's so busy every day

In the grueling race of life,

He leaves the sentimental stuff

To his partner and his wife...

But Fathers are just wonderful

In a million different ways,

And they merit loving compliments

And accolades of praise,

For the only reason Dad aspires

To fortune and success

Is to make the family proud of him

And to bring them happiness...

And like Our Heavenly Father,

He's a guardian and a guide,

someone that we can count on

To be always on our side.

This Blog was always meant to be an honest and fun account of life in Australia.

However, life is always waiting to remind us that only God knows the future.

God must have really wanted a steady hand in heaven.

Love. Stew Jackie Stephen James

JOB VACANCY

2007-01-11T18:07:00.000-08:00

JOB VACANCY

Cricket in Australia is a tough hard job.

Reluctantly I have agreed to coach the local womens team. I do, however need an assistant.

The pay is non existant the hours are long.No company car is provided and you may have to travel to away fixtures with the team..

Anyone interested in assisting me.... please forward $200 to Stewart Gill asap

Here are some of the players going through their paces

Hair today Blonde tomorrow

2007-01-08T22:25:00.000-08:00

Hello bloggers.

Todays blog will include some piccies. ......But first.......SHOWER WATCH......

110-12

The Aussies continue to avoid showering like a bleeding man avoids a tank of sharks...WHY???...Does anyone have a theory.....

Stewart collects his money from under the unused soap

.. Some of the boys post match 'Training'

Left to right: Candles. Stowie.Watto.AL

Some great sledging this week.

To a guy who edged the ball time after time: 'Oi Edge where's Bono'. ..'he would't know he hasn't found what he's looking for'.......The guy sulked the entire match....yeah..result.

We bowled and fielded well this week. The opposition were all out for 134. At stumps we were 12 for no wicket with Gill in next...talk about a long wait to bat.....

Australia is a truly beautiful country and spending time on the beach reminds you of this.

Here I am with our boys James and Stephen. On Yanchep beach on Jan 7 2007

Yanchep Beach

While watching the cricket game on TV Monday night, my wife, Jackie and I were discussing life and death. I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer. Some days I hate being married to a smart arse.

I do, however feel sorry for Jackie as she now has three Cricket fanatics in the house. Both James and Stephen had Cricket bats for Christmas and as everyone knows my love for playing Cricket remains un-diminished. i can't explain how I still find playing one of the most fulfilling parts of my life...god I wish I could explain it but I can't...

Christmas Champagne on the beach, $30.00 New Years Eve Cocktails, $ 50.00... Seeing Stewart like this ....PRICELESS...

stewy

Thank God The End Is Near

2007-01-04T22:19:00.000-08:00

Englands final humiliating defeat has finally come and I can at least concentrate on 'Aussie' life and my own Cricket. ......Oh god who am I kidding. It's been hell. The Aussies really do love beating the Poms and I DESERVE EVERY BIT OF STICK....but hey couldn't the boys have shown some fight...As for Kevin Pietersen. At Perth he avoided giving autographs to the 20 or so kids who waited, by walking across the WACA and 'sneaking' out a side entrance...cheers KP and to think I bought my son the bat his hero uses...shame on you KP..these kids and their Dads cheered you all day and for what, defeat and humiliation at school (Being a Pommie kid at school has not been fun...Although my boy being a West Brom fan was well used to all the stick he...not Pietersen..got)

Well I am glad thats off my chest...I never thought we had a chance and I am glad I didn't claim we would win......

When we decided to leave Britain we were glad to be escaping the louts that seem to have taken over most of the country...Only to discover the delights of the Australian 'BOGAN'

A very 'POSH' BOGAN

A bogan (pronunciation boe-gn) is a term used primarily in Australia to describe a particular section of the working class population.

A bogan typically resides in either a low-cost housing estate, government housing or in the outlying regional areas of continental Australia. (sounds familiar eh) Generally bogans tend to congregate in areas with little or no features & amenities.

How to recognise a Bogan:

A pronounced lack of dress sense in social situations. Typical bogan attire consists of a flannelette shirt, stubbie shorts (either blue/khaki), torn or soiled jeans from the 1980's or earlier, and of course standard issue white thong sandals with black rubber.
A lack of personal hygiene. A bogan will often allow his/her hair to grow into an attractive style named the "mullet" as popularised in the 1980's. A hair cut is a rare event for the bogan, and most styling occurs when the razor is brought out to either a) produce a "skinhead" style cut or b) a "frullet" (front-mullet). Similar styles apply for females, however the female bogan frequently colours her hair auburn.
The bogan bathroom usually contains a bar of multi-purpose soap used to both cleaning the family, washing the hair, styling the hair and manicures/pedicures. Whilst most non-bogans will use Eau de Toilette spray as a perfume, the most common boganistic fragrance is "Odour of Toilet". The bogan frequently rosters showers at irregular intervals such as once a week for males and twice for females.
Distinct vocabulary. The bogan language is somewhat foreign to most English-speaking people. For example in boaglish, the word "shooting" would be pronounced as "shootun". Similarly, the word "look out" is pronounced as "look eet". The boaglish alphabet does not contain the letters "i" or "g".
A particular choice in motor vehicle. The bogan usually drives one of two makes of vehicle. Typically this is either a Holden or a Ford .
Employment status. The common bogan is either a) not employed or b) a tradesman/labourer.
A poorly-maintained house described as follows;
The bedroom (for rootun).
The balcony (for smokun/shootun).
The livun room (for watchun telly/smokun/gettun pissed).
The kitchen (for storun beer).
The combined bathroom/laundry (for washun shit) .
The shed (for rootun/smokun/shootun/gettun pissed/storun beer/workun on the commo).

Any how Love Stew

How low can you go

2007-01-01T17:42:00.000-08:00

Shower Watch....99-10..Aussie shower gel shortage reaches epidemic proportions...God how the 'sheila's' must love the smell of ripe cheese. Still the soap is a good place to leave your money while your playing....

Australian 'Club' Cricketer explains himself....................... Gill arrives at the ground

Well as regular bloggers will know, I work alongside Jemma, the sister of Justin Langer and I wanted to pay tribute to Justin, who will retire at the end of the Sydney Test. Especially as I have given Jemma some almighty stick..(Putting pictures of Freddie above her desk. Union Flags on the walls....etc...) Jemma has taken everything in the great Aussie way and She has certainly had the last laugh.

Justin Langer said that the timing’s right for him to hang up his boots. Speaking about Australia’s unexpected win in Adelaide, he said:

“I just wonder how it can get better than that? Everyone keeps saying ‘you’ll know when it’s time’. Well, at one o’clock two days ago I knew it was time - it just came to me.”

Langer is Australia’s warrior, and that gritty, hard-nosed determination will certainly be missed. He scored 3 double hundreds in his career, 23 centuries, and together with his good mate Matt Hayden was one of the most potent opening partnerships the game has ever known. He contemplated retirement after copping a heavy blow to the head from Makhaya Ntini last February, but, like Shane Warne, the desire to win back the Ashes was so strong that he had to continue on until the precious urn was back in Australian hands.... Then again he may have heard about the emerging talent of a certain 40 year old Pom from Perth...Lets face it I could get a duck as easily as Geraint Jones....

Anyhow the Ashes ain't over yet......

The cricketing world has been quick to heap universal condemnation upon the leaking of a photocopy of Australia’s bowling tactics for the current Ashes series. An A4 sheet handed to journalists purports to detail the Australian team’s plan for combating the formidable English batting lineup. Said Sky Sport’s Ian Botham: ‘This is the sort of information the Australian team wouldn’t want their opponents to know. It will probably swing the series back in favour of the tourists and I’d say that the battle for the Ashes is back on again.’

Meanwhile, the Australian team have lodged a complaint with match officials. ‘We’ll have to rethink our whole selection policy,’ said captain Ricky Ponting, who went on to hint at the immediate dropping of Shane Warne from the team. ‘Now the English team know our tactics, Warney is clearly of no use to us now, we may have to draft in Dame Edna and Kylie’ Ricky 'Butch' Ponting confirmed.

The English dressing room has been quick to deny suggestions that they hope to gain any advantage from the leak. ‘We won’t be responding to this in any way,’ said Duncan Fletcher. ‘Speaking for the team, we’ll be out there are usual tomorrow morning, playing the same high standard of Test Match cricket we’re known for and putting our faith in our usual opening pairing Prince Edward and Sir Elton John.

Blondes Have More Fun?

2006-12-19T22:04:00.000-08:00

Shower Watch...88-10...Yes...out of 88 showering possibilities only 12 0f have showered...Me everytime (7 Matches) and Big AL in the 3 he played with me the other showerer was of course another Pom. To test the theory I have left a piece of soap in the home ground showers...it remains unshrunken after 8 weeks...!!!

The Sparkling soap

Any how, what a week.We lost the Ashes at Perth...I was there with my lad James and it was hot (52 degrees C...126 Farenheight) and horrible...god how the Aussies love to rub it in...not like us sporting Brits...........
Now herein lies a problem as regular readers will have noticed I have taken the P**s bigtime out of the Aussies (bless em...not the brightest bunch) taking on silly bets along the way.....one of which was dyeing my hair Shane Warne blonde if we lost.....I will publish the results shortly...

I am half way through my latest Match we bowled the opposition out for 180 ish (Gill 3-25) and next week need to chase the total to win...NO WORRIES MATE.

We attended on day four and sat on the famous mound the temperature in the ground hit 52 degrees. Rather like being sat inside your average oven. However when English wickets fell it felt like a pressure cooker. On the plus side James got lots of autographs and we both met lots of shell shocked poms who proceded to joke sing and generally prove that Brits really don't take themselves..(or their Cricket team) too seriously.

Any way the Aussie lifestyle is generally healthy and as you can see my fitness regime has paid off...

Australians do however love to socialise and drink and the effects of Alcohol on families and Children should not be taken lightly...

Christmas promises to be both strange... (40 degrees and down the beach) ....and lonely without family and friends. So all of you enjoy your loved ones and have a little drink and think of the Gills out here...in their pool or Jacuzzi, faced with a Christmas sunbathing session that would be swapped for a drizzly December day in your company...

Love The Gills

LEG BEFORE WICKED

2006-12-12T23:56:00.000-08:00

Hello all. I couldn't resist this.

In events recalling Dennis Lillee’s notorious aluminium cricket bat, the Ashes series opened with the Australian team complaining about the new high-tech bat being used by the English tourists.
‘It’s cheating!’ said Australian captain, Ricky Ponting. ‘It completely takes all the legside fielders from the game. There’s no need for a leg slip, a leg gully, square leg, not even a third leg…’
Clearly distraught, Australia’s Justin Langer lamented the effect the new bat would have on the batsman’s game. ‘There’ll be no leg glances, no leg drives, and none of those lovely chances to tickle the ball off the legs.’
Meanwhile, the English team have insisted that the new bat doesn’t contravene the laws of the game. ‘We love it, yeah, yeah, yeah,’ said an unrepentant Andrew Flintoff.
'They don't have a leg to stand on" commented Duncan Fletcher....

Ashes to Tashes

2006-11-29T18:17:00.000-08:00

Shower Watch.....66-3...Yes an Aussie showered this week...well, I say Aussie. "Dunks" was born in England.....

Come on England....4-1

The Club I play Cricket for are Supporting a great mens health Charity. MOVEMBER

http://www.movember.com/au/whatismov/

Well. The Aussies never fail to amuse...In a Country that never picks a real Australian to play for them (i.e. anyone who is Aboriginal, black...asian...) this great email was sent to me

'Sajid Mahmood – Fast Bowler, well you even bagged him, so enough said, but with such a english name as mahmood i'm sure he's up to the english high standards of ronnie irani and the other blokes your drag off the streets, say here's 50 quid if you play for us.'

With the Ashes in full swing and the fans on both sides warming up the vocal chords I do have to say. The Aussie fans are C**p they cannot hope to win the humourous chant battle. We are too experienced and they are too thick...Here are some of their attempts...

'Cheer up Michael Vaughan. How bad must it be,
To a be a poor pommie whinger,And you're watching on TV?'

A poor pommie whinger? Hah, I remember a certain ricky ponting whinging when he was comically run out by a certain Gary Pratt at Trent Bridge. (They catch our lads with a sub...no whingeing)

Plus Vaughan won’t be watching on TV, he’ll be in Australia laughing.

Then there’s this one:

Monty Panesar's useless, A poor old English chap,And when he's not spin bowling,No fan will ever clap. (Actually monty gets the biggest ovations from the crowd EVERY time he touches the ball)
He's useless in the covers,He's useless in the slips. (He doesn’t field in the slips, so why chant that.)
And when he straps the pads on, He'll pass out with the yips. (Oh I see what you’ve done)

One question: Why aren’t there any parodies of Australian bands like Jet and AC/DC... oh I know why, because they’re both extremely crap. You see we have the Beatles, Rolling Stones, Oasis, The Clash, Sex Pistols, The Who….

Here is a Barmy Army chant, hopefully this will inspire themto write some decent chants.
(To the tune of "Yellow Submarine")

In the town where I was born, there lived a man who was a thief.
And he told me of his life, stealing bread and shagging sheep.
So they put him in the nick, and then a magistrate he went to see
He said "put him on a ship, to the convict colony"
"You all live in a convict colony, a convict colony, a convict colony
You all live in a convict colony, a convict colony, a convict colony"

Sung to the tune of ‘Advance Australia Fair’

“About 200 years ago my Grandad stole a bike,
They put him on a prison ship with the blokes that the poms don’t like,
And now we’re all back over here drinking fizzy beer
And wearing 1980s clothes With haircuts that look queer!”

Stew

Aussie Showers

2006-11-21T23:38:00.000-08:00

Shower watch...this weekend (Game 5) someone else showered....55-2 ...yes you guessed it another Pom. Big Allen...No that's not why he showered..

The Ashes are coming and I am testing out the famous Aussie 'sense of humour' as displayed by Ricky 'butch' Ponting.

Some observations

Aussie Teeth. The hugely expensive part pay health Service means that many...(most) have terrible teeth. One line I heard recently...'Their are so many gaps in your teeth it looks like your tongues in Jail.'
The Aussies do have a huge inferiority complex. A few days ago, General Tommy Franks was giving a press conference on the state of the war. “What do you think of the quality of the Australian troops under your command?” an intrepid reporter from down-under asked. The whole room burst into laughter at this embarrassing plea for approval. “Excellent” the General replied with a laugh. Closing Camera shot was of the whole room in hysterics.
Most Aussies are either so polite you want to slap them, or so rude you want to punch them.
The crappy television. Aussie commercial TV stations are like American ones without the imagination or the budget. A two hour movie quickly turns into a four hour marathon once you add in the commercials.
All the macho garbageThere is a certain breed of Australian male, that only exists in order to prove he isn't gay. This largely consists of aggressive driving, owning dangerous dogs, getting drunk, starting fights and insulting strangers. Every pub has at least three of these guys out to ruin everyone else's night. Could the 'macho' stuff be to hide their true feelings...maybe that's why they don't shower with me
Their refusal to admit that we Brits are better than them. Try the old superiority ruse out here, and you’ll quickly be knocked down to size. They are quick to point out their sporting prowess, booming economy, Academy award winning actors, better food etc etc etc. My mention of the Beatles and Shakespeare are dismissed as yesterday’s news..... Smug bastards.

Stew

Didgeredon't

2006-11-16T23:30:00.000-08:00

Let me start by saying Australians are great. However they do have some strange ideas about the English...

We don't shower.... Well, I have now played four Cricket games and I am the only one to shower in all four games...44 to one in favour of the Pommies!!! believe me shower gel and deodorant are cheaply available over here...
We have no sense of humour...Well I placed a bet on England to win the Ashes 4-0 at 251/1...so that disproves that one..
The English are snobs...no we have a history and Culture to be proud of.....What the difference between Australia and Yoghurt....Yoghurt has a culture after 200 years!!
We all whinge. Well ok they do have a point although they do have politicans worthy of a good moan.

Any how here is a Australian Joke

An Aussie fella who was working on contract for 3 months in the UK, was drinking in a local pub in England, gets a Call on his mobile phone.

He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, he orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, because, he announces his wife back home has just produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Perth lad just shrugs, "That's about average in Australia. Like I said, my boy is a typical Aussie baby boy.

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "Christ al mighty" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.Two weeks later the bloke returns to the bar.

The bartender says "You're the father of that typical Aussie baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks we were going to call you.

So, how much does he weigh now?

The proud father answers, '17 pounds"

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.The Aussie father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his beer, Wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leansonto the bar and proudly says.............."Had him circumcised mate"

What I have noticed is in Australia...

The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
Whether its the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.
On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallet by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out. We might have very stupid thieves. Or really stinky sandshoes.
A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.
It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".
And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one says "cobber"..

Stew

COUNTDOWN TO THE ASHES

2006-11-14T18:57:00.000-08:00

Well the England Team are in Australia and like hot fish and chips, warm beer and quarter-final defeats on penalties to lucky teams, it’s the English tradition to start a cricket tour with a humiliating defeat.

My own Aussie Cricketing exploits took a turn for the better (3-20), although the team lost.
I actually enjoyed my Cricket again and my Captain...yes... "Sweetballs".

Much more relaxed approach and although we lost we pushed the opposition all the way with great team spirit and enthusiasm.

Some great 'sledging'...When one grey bearded batsman appeared he was greeted with a barrage of 'Lord of the Rings' references...eg. 'Come on lads he's got some bad hobbits' ...'come on bowler cast yer spell' and my favourite... 'come on Bilbowl him out'...I nearly peed myself at that point.

Any how back to the Ashes. I am working a Clarkson Child and Adolescent Clinic.
In my first week I was introduced to lots of new people, one of whom I was told, had a brother who played Cricket. Keen to make new friends I kindly offered to 'go down the nets with him and bowl him a few balls'.....everyone began to laugh at that point...???...The womans name...Jemma Langer (Great Person)..her brother...yes you've guessed it Justin Langer the Aussie opening bat and scorer of 23 Test Centuries...

Maybe if I had trained with him I could have brought him down to my level...Still I don't want improve him too much.

Jemma has since had to put up with me putting up England Ashes Posters in the Clinic and in her Office. She takes it all in good spirit. She is also a superstar in her own right ,great at her job and patient with this irritating Pommie.

As someone who has worked in Mental Health for twenty plus years I hope Marcus Trescothic makes a recovery and that everyone is understanding. Cricket has to take a back seat sometimes

Anyhow Bring it on.

Stew

Real Heroes

2006-11-06T00:04:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone

As you may know I have been coaching the Joondalup & Kinross under 12 team.

Here they are after their latest match.

As regular blog watchers will know the lads were on the receiving end of a batting frenzy , being hit for 300+ runs in 45 overs the previous week.

The boys trained hard in between and returned to finish the match (Matches here are 45 overs spread over two weeks) they were encouraged to: Try their hardest. Support each other. And keep the opposition out in the field for 45 overs.

They did all three... What a team. The opposition got tired, wet (yes it rained) and cold, our boys looked like the winning team, as you can see.

What was also pleasing was the less experienced players did better than anyone could expect.

I could not have been more proud of this mix of Aussie and Pommie lads.

Stew

Pleasure and Pain

2006-11-01T23:06:00.000-08:00

Well....where do I begin...
As everyone knows, I love Cricket.
Cricket Aussie style is ...interesting...

I am 'coach' to the Joondalup Kinross under 12's and it is fantastic...
The kids are so enthusiastic and seeing them improving is great.

The first match was 45 overs per side! played over two weekends.
Matches start at 8:30 and end at 11:30 and we won. We bowled the opposition out for 103 and chased there score for the loss of 6 wickets..... the lads were ecstatic. I was proud and life was good...however, Cricket, like life, has a habit of reminding you who is the boss...

Second game. We bowled...some of the lads exclaimed 'lets bowl em out quick and bat today.' Three 30 degree hours later, the opposition had scored 303 for 5...ouch!!!

LETS SEE HOW OUR RESPONSE GOES THIS WEEKEND!!!!!

Meanwhile my own Cricket adventure continues to frustrate me. My second match I was given one over to bowl (over 68 out of 72) I bowled a poor one and was 'rested'...I was gutted embarrassed and felt I had been treated very shoddily.

All this without 'Sweet balls' who was 'skipperring' the next team down. I will miss him as we seemed the only ones cabable of annoying the opposition...quote "he must be good he played that with his eyes shut"
"

The skipper is nice, enthusistic, good guy ...We agreed to disagree... The matches so far have been poorly executed by the players who have not performed. Many of the younger players do seem to lack the confidence to fight for the team and seem very quiet...(Yes I know Aussie and Quiet!!???) are they afraid to raise their heads??.

However the style over here does not seem 'consultative' I have not and don't expect to be asked an opinion, but after 30 years of Cricket as a player and Captain I might have some suggestions of use...???

Week two: I was at last given a chance to bat at number 5...ouch again I played a few decent shots and scored 13 I fear the chop will be dispensed which will be somewhat unfair after one batting chance in a position I have rarelly batted in... Still, results are everything.

Just to test the Aussie theory that, they, not us have a sense of humour...we will see. I have noticed the appearance of several posters proclaiming the following...

In Affectionate Remembrance
of
AUSTRALIAN CRICKET

which died at the Oval
on
12th SEPTEMBER, 2005

Deeply lamented by a large circle of sorrowing friends and acquaintances

R.I.P

N.B-Ricky Ponting and John Buchanan
Will be crucified in a separate ceremony
And the convicts taught a severe lesson in 2006

Why would they drop me now...surely humiliation is a better option

Love STEW

Sweet Balls no More

2006-10-17T20:54:00.000-07:00

Well, my first Match has ended in defeat.

We were trying to defend 223 over 72 overs and failed. Skipper 'Smithy' bowled well as did 'Carts'. Me, well.... 8 overs 2 maidens for 28. Not great, but not too bad. I will learn the subtleties of the artificial pitch and 2 piece ball soon enough.

Anyhow, during the Match 'sweetballs' informed me his 'Nickname' is actually 'Sweetpea'. Now, I have called him 'Sweetballs' for the last 7 weeks and no one said anything.
I may carry on calling him 'Sweetballs' for a while yet...

Contrary to the myth the Aussies play very fair and do not 'sledge' anywhere near as much as I am used to in England. I will, I am sure teach them the fine art of annoying the opposition, I am allready doing well in the annoying my team mates stakes...!!!

It is hard trying to prove myself at my age after regularly taking wickets and scoring runs in England. This game seems very different.

Any how I hear the 'do good' brigade over here are calling for an end to the term 'Pommie' as they (not us Poms) consider it racist.......

Prisoners of Mother England or whatever urban invention you prefer for Pommies, I love being called a Pommie Bastard, I also love that fabulous Aussie joke (How do you know there are Pommies on the plane? Because when they turn the engines off the whining continues). And I will love calling them all convicts by return and reminding them of the 'ASHES' . Then, when we have flung all our verbal crap at one another, we'll retire to the bar together and under a deluge of Victoria Bitter we will, together, plot a way of gagging the 'do good' brigade who want to stop us enjoying sporting rivalry at its finest.

There is no racism, or hatred in Aussie/Englander taunting - but we do hate 'do gooders' with no proper jobs telling us we should be offended. ..W*****s the lot of them.

Stew

First Match Blues

2006-10-09T20:15:00.000-07:00

And so the season starts...

Matches over here take place over two weekends.
You bat or field one and the other next weekend.
The matches are 72 overs each innings.

So to my first match.
I was hoping to open the innings however disaster struck in the warm up.....Whilst diving for a ball..well falling in the general direction of the ball I landed on my wrist which promptly ballooned up are bandage later and I can hardly hold a bat...'I'll drop down the order skip"

Now this decision was probably wise as the Whitfords opening bowler was at least 6' 6" and overheard to have said "I wanted to bowl at the pommie b*****d"

Our two new openers, 'monkey' and 'sweetballs' did a great job putting on 90 we finished with 240 and I didn't have to bat...great start eh...

Still I expect to bowl next week. The skipper 'Smithy' tells me I will bowl.

The match was played seriously with a warm up team talk..all done properly and a debrief.

At the end of the match fines are handed out for crap shots $1 drops $1 etc and having a hairy arse in one case (sweetballs) $5. Me $5 fine for being a pommie and wearing Union Jack shorts....... Gill is not for turning

Still beer was cold and the company good.

Stew

Gilly Unleashed

2006-10-05T19:46:00.000-07:00

The Season is upon us.....

I am an Ocean Ridge Player...

The first Match is this Saturday October 7th against our arch rivals Whitfords.

A full match report will follow...

I have now acquired a 'nickname', the ever reliable 'Gilly' ...or on occasion of my wearing my Union Jack shorts...'you pommie ba****d..we will have those off the first time your pissed'

Any how I am starting in the 3rd team (they have 5) so I am happy with that if you do well you do get chances in the 1st and 2nd's ...same applies if you are poor..

The lads are great and I have been welcomed.

The games are taken very seriously and the tone, I am told, is very combative...right up my cricketing street...how long before I piss someone off ...1 match...one over...one ball...???

Wish me luck as I represent England in the colonies...

Ashes fever is also building up. I insist on reminding my team mates that we 'hold' the ashes they predict a 5-0 destruction come the series. They then proceed to bombard me in the nets with cries of 'hit that pommie'...

Aussie life has taken a turn for the better we now have our own home....Pool... jacuzzi... theatre room with huge projector screen...games room.... but eh we still miss home... weird eh.

Australia would be heaven with family and friends here.

Boys are happy. James is looking fit and looking forward to his Cricket season starting.
Stephen charms everyone and 'got married' at kindergarten...however he forgot to invite mum and dad...kids eh.

Jackie and I are getting on better than ever enjoying our work and colleagues. Although the health services are in need of a overhaul.

Any how get ready for more regular blogs.

Stew

sTRAINING FOR SUCCESS

2006-09-13T00:43:00.000-07:00

Cricket looms ever larger in my thoughts....
After the realisation that my first choice of Cricket club would have killed me with their training regime...(Read Tea & Crumpet entry) I have eventually signed up to play for Ocean Ridge Cricket Club.

Training is still twice per week and still taken very seriously,.. running, stretching and sports psychology, however their are some guys over 35 and overweight.

The standard remains high (the Coach is South African international Mike Rindell)

Training is great, with competitions banter and some healthy pee taking.

Everyone in Australia has to have a nickname of some sorts. Some obvious; 'Stewy' 'Smithers', some offensive, 'lard arse', 'short arse', etc.

However some nicknames both confuse and worry me. After introducing myself to one guy, he announced himself as, 'sweet balls'.....!!! the best, however, seems to belong to a guy called Terry, who everyone refers to as 'Crapper'...he however seems to think they are saying 'Cracker' and duly introduces himself as 'Cracker'...?

When I asked for an explanation another lad, 'Ducky' explained that when faced with any bowler taller than 6 foot Terry 'craps' himself...not literally I hope.

As I mentioned earlier the Club allready has a 'Stewy' so I await to be assigned a 'nickname'....'studs', 'hunky', 'muscles' perhaps....I just hope it wasn't me they were calling 'Crapper'.....

Love Stew

Chariots of Fire

2006-08-29T23:50:00.000-07:00

Chariots Of Fire

We are now getting nearer to our dream of the 'Aussie life'

We now have a house...we should move in by the end of September.
We are now getting nice weather... 27 degrees as I type.
We have settled jobs.
We (James and myself) are training for the new Cricket Season.
The wine is cheap....
The food is great....

So why oh why did I agree to get up at 6am on Sunday the 27th and run 12km.

Well I have always liked to run and I have always undertaken brave challenges...New York Marathon...Drinking with my wifes family...arguing with Jackie...etc

However the last two bullet points have impaired my judgement and waistline.

You see like most men I can look in the mirror and kid myself. I looked and saw Linford Christie, sadly I now run more like Agatha Christie.

Myself and a friend. Peter Bampton...(picture Grant Mitchell's head with Peggy Mitchells legs and Pat Butchers build) set out to compete in the Perth City to Surf 12km run.

Well, the weather was hot, Peter beat me by 2 mins and a woman dressed as an Ostrich crossed the finish line with me.

Is it time to hang up the trainers...no way. As I type I can see my reflection in the window and do you know I think I have lost weight... I can see a touch of the young Daley Thompson.......

Love

Stew

Tea & Crumpet

2006-08-17T01:28:00.000-07:00

TEA & CRUMPET

Pre season Cricket training has begun...and boy is it different from England.

Let us compare.

Australia:

Skills training every Sunday.
Fitness training every Wednesday.

You don't come you don't play...no bull no excuses.

England:

Nets on Sunday

Training schedule.

Australia:

Skills Training

Turn up on time.
Turn up fit and prepared.
Warm up (supervised)
Target sheets given. (Bowlers/Batsmen: weaknesses assessed during the season or from previous weeks training)
Bowlers begin bowling.
Batsmen have 15 mins in nets and 15 mins with bowling machine (supervised)
Warm down.
Coach talks to individual and later to whole squad.

England:

Turn up.
Try not to be too pissed. (But if you are no one cares)
First there, or most pushy, pad up for a bat.
Bowlers and the generally lazy/cowardly avoid batting. ("I'll wait till they are knackered)
Batsmen slog or bat without direction.
Bowlers try to bounce the bloke they least like (usually me).
Lots of farting leaving vapour trails of the previous nights beer/curry.
Younger/less important players get less bowling to face as by 1/2 way bowlers are tired and 'drift' off to talk to anyone who will listen.
Captain takes the piss and watches only his favoured players.

Fitness Training.

Australia.

Every Wednesday

Circuit Training. (All with a Gym instructor.)

Warm up (Light jogging/Stretches)

Circuit 1 (In square. Run to each point and complete.)

1) 10xFour-count squat thrusts:

2) 10xPush-ups

3) 10xSit ups

4) 30 second rest

Repeat 10 times.

Circuit 2 (In Pairs)

50 jabs with left.

50 jabs with right.

50 hooks with left.

50 hooks with right.

50 straight kicks with left.

50 straight kicks with right.

50 rounhouse kicks with left

50 rounhouse kicks with right.

Circuit 3

Walk up steps. (30)

Run up steps.

Bound up two at a time.

Run up two at a time.

10 squats

Repeat 10 times

Pool Time

1400 metres swimming. (A 50 metre pool which are everywhere here. 50 In Western Australia. pop 2,000,000. Apparently their are 5 in the whole of the UK. pop 60,000,000)

I am by now so tired and behind the others that on my last length they are all encouraging me with shouts of "Tea and Crumpet" Why I don't know.

However Only me, the Pom. Showers!

However by now I am such a physical wreck I put on someone elses under pants. I only discover this when I get home..Back in the shower...

England

Training.

Jog round ground throw a few balls. Scratch own balls. Attempt to scratch mates balls.

Break wind. Plan nights drinking.

In the shower. Show everyone your balls.

How the hell did England win the Ashes

Stew

Aussie Culture

2006-08-14T20:52:00.000-07:00

Aussie Culture

I am truly beginning to enjoy the Aussie life and, contrary to popular pommie belief. The Aussies are, in general, a warm kindly people.....Until sport is played/mentioned/watched.

On Sunday August 6 2006 I became, with my two boys. a Fremantle Dockers fan.

Now, the 'Dockers', or 'Freo', as some call them, play Aussie Rules Football, which is a cross between Football, Rugby and 'all in Wrestling'.

I sat and watched 36 men (yes it's 18 per side) beat the living snot out of each other for two hours. Head butts, punches, elbows all ignored by the refs. Great...While all this is happening a baying crowd, dressed in wooly hats and sleeveless shirts. Consume meat pies and beer..all without a hint of trouble...Oh the game also went on with Freo winning by 106 to 56.

The atmosphere and smell was wonderfully vintage 1970's English football. All without the menace of a fight or riot.

Even when I shouted "great catch' and was told, 'it's a mark, ya pommie arsehole' I didn't feel threatened...anyhow I could have taken her..,well, if her Dad wasn't there I could have done.

The Aussies get really embarassed if 'anyone' says they are cultured but I think they are. They are also blunt and honest. No pretence. Everyone likes a good skillful match , but eh it's better if some highly paid player gets his lights punched out as well.

Come on admit it, we might not condone it in England, but we all Love when it happens and as much as we know the ref is there to do a job, We would all love to see Robbie Savage and Roy Keane scrapping on the pitch with no sanctions.

Back to the match. The same crowd that watched this game and the same family that told me it's a 'mark' not a catch came back from the half time interval with chips for my Kids unprompted, but freely given.

Now I don't know if that's culture. But it sure is class.

Stew

AUSSIE RULES

2006-08-14T20:48:00.000-07:00

AUSSIE RULES.

Well... Australia continues to intrigue and confuse in equal measures.

I was speaking to a work colleague who clearly feels he is an expert on all things Australian.

"Look mate (everyone is mate, even the bloke that is stealing your car.)

What ya gotta remember is, Aussie birds like to be told what's what." "They like to know that a blokes a bloke" (Given his shorts, hairy legs and...I kid you not..cowboy boots, anyone doubting his masculinity would need to be blind)

"Not like you English guys with ya poetry and stuff"....Now without knowing what 'stuff'' is I can not think of an 'average' English guy who knows more than a few words of any poetry. Unless "Your gonna get your F*****n head kicked in" counts.

How the beautiful, smart, Aussie Women I have met would put up with this bull****.. heaven knows...and then I read this on the wall of the secretaries officice.

The Secretary claims her husband wrote this in their Anniversary card.Now I am not sure which one of my work mates is kidding me Him or her.

Make your own mind up.

'Of course I love ya darling You're a bloody top notch bird.
And when I say you're gorgeousI mean every single word.
So ya bum is on the big side I don't mind a bit of flab.
It means that when I'm ready. There's somethin there to grab'

Love Stew

posted by Stew Gill

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Memories of Rose

2006-08-14T20:41:00.000-07:00

Memories of Rose

...Rose, what are you like...

Sorry for this, but living on the other side of the world from family, is by its nature, 'the other side of the world'.

We got the terrible news last night that Rose (My wife's mum, our children's nan and my friend and mother -in-law) has died.

Rose was the mother to 12 children. Countless grand children and even a sprinkling of great grand children. She was also a mother figure to me and many other people.Rose was also wonderfully funny and full of humour and character.

I would like to relay one experience of my own.

Rose agreed to come on holiday with myself, Stewart, Jackie (her daughter) and our, at that time, only son, James.

What followed was a fantastic funny, enjoyable holiday with a great woman and not just 'the mother -in-law'.

The following is one of many tales I could tell. (Buy me a Tequilla and I will tell you more).

Setting: A hotel room in Majorca.....Rose comes in to the dining room, almost sobbing with laughter, holding a flat melted plastic electric kettle, revealing that Jackie, her sensible daughter. Had placed an electric kettle on an electric ring. The kettle now resembling a frisbee drew much delight from Rose...."oh Jackie what are you like"

An hour later. Rose finds Stewart trying to hang out washing on the balcony. She laughs as Stewart pulls at the washing line eventually pulling it out of the wall......... "oh Stewart What are you like"

And so the evening went on... eventually, Jackie noticed that Rose was, herself very quiet on the balcony.

A quick check revealed why... Rose, whilst sitting outside enjoying a cigarette and a cup of tea, had burnt a brown patch in her plastic chair. However rather than reveal her moment of mishap she is on her knees 'sanding' the offending evidence away with a matchbox.

The laughter from Rose at being 'caught out' still rings in my ears especially after Jackie and I had our chance to say "Rose, WHAT ARE YOU LIKE"

The great thing was the laughter, still coming from Rose's room an hour after she had gone to bed....'Rose what are you like'.....missed that's what.

Love Jackie Stew James Stephen

posted by Stew Gill

Monday, July 24, 2006

Life in the Australian Army...

2006-08-14T18:58:00.000-07:00

Life in the Australian Army

...Thought I would share this with you all.

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)

Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too.
Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quicksmart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!!Ya haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and bythat time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet,but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

love Stew

You Will Never Win The Ashes

2006-08-14T18:54:00.000-07:00

You Will Never Win The Ashes

The scent of cricket is defintily in the Aussie air.

Being a cricket addict I have really missed playing cricket during what is the British cricket season.
It is the longest sustained period of cricket inaction I have endured for 32 years....So the chance to 'have a net' was too much to resist.

I found a practice venue (shed, as they are Known here) and enquired about the cost of an hour with a bowling machine.The old aussie guy I met there (Vic) informed me 'people usually pay $5' (about 2 British pounds).

As the shed was empty I asked if I could start right away. 'No problem mate yer boy can load the machine I'll take a look at ya'...'what a friendly bloke', I thought...

Vic promptly sets up the machine to send driveable balls on the off stump at 60 mph 'how helpful I thought.' Vic stands next to the net and watches..'Load the first ball nipper', he instructs my son.The 80mph inswinging ball hit my inner thigh so bloody hard, I hopped further than Jonathon Edwards at the Olympics.

'How fast was that'?, I squealed to Vic. 'Oh about 80 he replies our under 14's have it that high''

Can I have it slower please' I whimper.'Sure' says Vic.

Normal service is resumed I proceed to hit some nice looking cover drives and Vic even manages to say good shot once.

At the end of the session Vic smiles, takes my $5 and says, 'you wont win the ashes'.

I choose to say nothing as Vic has the power to put the bowling machine up to 90 mph.My son however cannot resist and gleefully informs Vic. 'we did win the ashes last year'.

Vic smiled and asked if I would be back next week.......I will keep you informed.

Stew Gill
Monday, July 17, 2006

The Beauty Therein

2006-08-14T18:48:00.000-07:00

The Beauty Therein

Hello everyone.

I thought I needed to share an Aussie moment with you.After a lovely lecture this week on, understanding the Aboriginal culture and listening to the beauty therein. I stepped out of the Clinic I am working at (Mirrabrooka) and decided not to walk on the opposite side of the street when confronted by the local gathering of the indigenous population, choosing to embrace their humanity."Hello", says I. "F**k off ya white C**t" is the reply...

Now anyone that has played cricket with/against me Knows that this is not a phrase that is new to me. However, I was slightly suprised as it normally takes several minutes for people to take an instant dislike to me.

Not put off my stride I decided to be clever."Thats not nice" I smarmily replied. "Your'e a fat C***t as well", came the reply.

Now that is beautiful...

Stew Gill

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Tie me Kangaroo down sport

2006-08-14T18:43:00.000-07:00

Tie me Kangaroo down sport

Well here I am. A cricket loving Black Country Englishman in Australia.

Perth to be exact...well Mullaloo to be precise!! and here lies problem number one.

I am living in an English speaking Country with place names even locals can't agree how to pronounce.Example : Joondalup (The Cricket Club I will soon be joining) Peter, one half of the couple we are living with insists on affecting a mock french accent and pronoucing it Jerndaloop much to the amusement of his wife Greta who in turn insists it is pronounced Junedalup (she is in fact correct)

I however cannot stop saying Johndaloop. Apparently this mis-pronounciation means apart of the male anatomy in aboriginal...needless to say the large aboriginal fellow I asked to show me how to get to Joondalup was both confused and dare I say a little intrigued. Still his mate told me 'piss off' anyway.

Any how having prepared for the difficult names you are confronted with Beedoboondu Sandwiched by Warwick and Brighton. I kid you not.

The only consolation to my language difficulties has been the young woman at work (I am a nurse) stating she could listen to my black country accent forever as, and I kid you not, "you sound like that Hugh Grant...!!!"

LoveStew