Complain... Me.....Never

Well as I sit here today I am trying to decide if I am having a panic attack or a coronary….. this used to be a regular occurrence for me, as I was a confirmed hypochondriac. However like to feel I am reformed…I do, however have to be aware at all times of the possibility of a relapse into my former condition…..maybe it is just a cold…or flu…no, bird flu……or it could be the half bottle of wine I had last night….

People are always calling me a hypochondriac and let me tell you...it just makes me sick.

The reason for this rather strange opening paragraph is the thought I often have about ‘things going too well’…I mean I have a lovely family, great job, I live in a paradise country, I am very handsome…just checking you are still reading… and West Brom are playing well…so why do we always fear something will take it away….

I explored this and have discovered we are all the same, just waiting for some bastard to ruin things…I think it goes back to that childhood experience of someone kicking over our ‘lego’ tower or sandcastle….you know, I am often left thinking…. ‘If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.’…

Well the problem is, who do we complain to about worry eh??…I am certainly not going to upset god …just in case…so I complain and moan about things, purchases and services work best..

Here are some genuine Council Complaints from across the UK and Australia..they are funny…and you know I am feeling better…

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off .

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and she would like it in the garden before we move house.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6a.m., his cock wakes me up and now it's getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife
I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.

My bush is really overgrown around the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

...and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take any more.

LOVE STEW