Captain's Slog
Well the Cricket Season is here again…as England wraps up and prepares for winter, I prepare for SUN…..HEAT….and SWEATY AUSSIES…(Remember from previous blogs…they don’t shower)…But as Meatloaf said, two out of three aint bad…..
I have been handed the Captaincy of a team this year…..the Mighty Ocean Ridge Cricket team have spotted my obvious potential…or as one player said ‘they want you in the tent pissing out, rather than outside pissing in,’ fair point……
Well my first match was on Saturday the 10th …..and…… the opposition cried off, giving me…. a forfeit victory….Yeahhhh Top of the League.
So, with a free Saturday what is a man to do…..bloody DIY according to my wife…(We will call her Jackie…mainly as that’s her name)…so after working all morning I did manage to sneak out and watch some of the other Ocean Ridge teams.
Finally settling for Harve's Mighty 9ths….
Jim (Ducky) Cornwell was batting with Johnny (Boycott) Larmett…(How sporting of John to play with a plasticine bat)….to be fair Jim looked good…very good….until he edged a ball that was two feet over his head…When you consider he is already 6 feet.4…this takes some doing. (No Ball surely….no he was given out)...Greg ('House' ) Harves looked greyer by the second ....Harves by the way demonstrated the great art of running between the wickets.... whilst impersonating Stephen Hawking with a great scooby doo 'on the spot' styling..Anyhow the rain came and Australia looked briefly like England....
Now as a spectator it was interesting to hear the umpire ‘bagged’ so early in the season and it got me thinking about umpire types in club cricket....Please let me know if you recognise yourself.....
1) The Moral Umpire
To the moral Umpire what counts is whether the player deserved to be out. Pitched outside leg stump?…Not important. Playing boringly?..Afraid so, and up goes the finger….
2) The Bored Umpire
The bored Umpire is usually a non batting bowler who thinks batsmen are wimps because they don’t try hit every ball for six. He usually comes in at 10 or 11, doesn’t take guard and aims a giant swing at every delivery, occasionally he connects with a few and very occasionally makes a quick 16 or 20. This makes him, in his tiny deranged mind, an all-rounder who still thinks like a bowler. He thinks the benefit of the doubt as bulls**t…As an Umpire he gets more wickets than as a bowler…his explanations are:
‘He had his chance, didn’t he?’
‘It was such a good ball it deserved a wicket.’
‘Any how he was nearly out in the last over and he was playing so boringly…’
Shit it was only the third Over…….
3) The Soft Touch Umpire
When in doubt give in…’Well they all shouted so loudly it must have been out, mustn’t it?’ No it’s because you cracked last season…..This Umpire is usually replaced at the end of the over.
4) The Law of Averages Umpire
Usually Says Things Like….’Well you can’t turn em all down can you? It’s the law of averages, isn’t it?….No it is not….
5) The Coach Umpire
Usually umpires both ends…He often mutters things like ‘wait for the bad ball-there’ll be one anytime now.’..He usually points out the weakest fielder…Me usually, although I’m not alone.
6) The Stevie Wonder Umpire.
He is honest. Can count to six but gives everybody out…Always volunteers to Umpire…please be aware…
posted by Stew Gill @ 5:24 PM
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