The Invitation

Hello bloggers…thought I would share a bizarre evening spent at Fremantle with my family (Jackie , James and Stephen)….brother in law and assorted others….

Well, the day started like any other….sun…..cricket…pool….and then…!!! A text message from Seamus..( brother in law) inviting us to;

1) View the newly named Steve Irwin boat, with a promise of an on board tour….and a possible meeting with Bindy and her mum etc….
and
2) Attend a book awards presentation.. Honouring the West Australian Maritime museum….mmmm… not our usual idea of fun but the promise of free food and drink swung it…

Mrs Steve Irwin wonders...where are Jackie and Stewart.....?

Well, the Steve Irwin was a fine looking vessel, however NO tours were happening and Bindy Irwin was not even in Perth….Ok, not a great start, but surely the awards ceremony would be a swanky affair packed with Australia’s finest……???..well….....

......No it wasn’t. Seamus met us and we were led into Perth’s oldest building..... which was full…(Well...err... 15 people) of Perth’s oldest professors…Seamus (59) was the young thrusting future of Perth academic research...a sort of Harry Potter amongst the old Wizards...…I (45) was like Pike from Dad’s Army…Jackie and the Kids were looked at like they were exhibits in a museum…

Now, I hear you ask…'what was the food and drink like’??…Well, two bottles of wine and a carton of orange were never going to satisfy the collective thirst…especially that, given the professors ages, most had to swallow medication with some sort of drink at regular intervals...I swear I am not making this up. Also Seamus tends to view wine as ‘gods gift’ ..just for him…
Seamus, incidentally was sweating more than any human I have seen. His sweat had sweat on it at one point and his shirt resembled a used flannel….

And so to the ceremony…Well the winner didn’t bother to show up…and neither did two of the judges!!….I stood next to a guy who looked exactly like Uncle Albert…complete with little sailors cap…really..... I really am not making this up…Jackie was, for some reason …mistaken for the woman who was taking over the West Australian Maritime museum web site….and was being questioned on her knowledge of the 1912 Australian Naval fleet …all with a look of ‘kill me’ written on her face…believe me, the opportunity of taking Stephen to the toilet was like hearing the judge declare you ‘not guilty’.

Jackie smiles for a Professor
We made our excuses and ran away…very quickly….

Captain's Slog

Sorry for the delay folks...but we are back...Very Cricket centred so sorry folks...

Well the Cricket Season is here again…as England wraps up and prepares for winter, I prepare for SUN…..HEAT….and SWEATY AUSSIES…(Remember from previous blogs…they don’t shower)…But as Meatloaf said, two out of three aint bad…..

I have been handed the Captaincy of a team this year…..the Mighty Ocean Ridge Cricket team have spotted my obvious potential…or as one player said ‘they want you in the tent pissing out, rather than outside pissing in,’ fair point……

Well my first match was on Saturday the 10th …..and…… the opposition cried off, giving me…. a forfeit victory….Yeahhhh Top of the League.

So, with a free Saturday what is a man to do…..bloody DIY according to my wife…(We will call her Jackie…mainly as that’s her name)…so after working all morning I did manage to sneak out and watch some of the other Ocean Ridge teams.
Finally settling for Harve's Mighty 9ths….

Jim (Ducky) Cornwell was batting with Johnny (Boycott) Larmett…(How sporting of John to play with a plasticine bat)….to be fair Jim looked good…very good….until he edged a ball that was two feet over his head…When you consider he is already 6 feet.4…this takes some doing. (No Ball surely….no he was given out)...Greg ('House' ) Harves looked greyer by the second ....Harves by the way demonstrated the great art of running between the wickets.... whilst impersonating Stephen Hawking with a great scooby doo 'on the spot' styling..Anyhow the rain came and Australia looked briefly like England....
Now as a spectator it was interesting to hear the umpire ‘bagged’ so early in the season and it got me thinking about umpire types in club cricket....Please let me know if you recognise yourself.....

1) The Moral Umpire

To the moral Umpire what counts is whether the player deserved to be out. Pitched outside leg stump?…Not important. Playing boringly?..Afraid so, and up goes the finger….

2) The Bored Umpire

The bored Umpire is usually a non batting bowler who thinks batsmen are wimps because they don’t try hit every ball for six. He usually comes in at 10 or 11, doesn’t take guard and aims a giant swing at every delivery, occasionally he connects with a few and very occasionally makes a quick 16 or 20. This makes him, in his tiny deranged mind, an all-rounder who still thinks like a bowler. He thinks the benefit of the doubt as bulls**t…As an Umpire he gets more wickets than as a bowler…his explanations are:

‘He had his chance, didn’t he?’

‘It was such a good ball it deserved a wicket.’

‘Any how he was nearly out in the last over and he was playing so boringly…’

Shit it was only the third Over…….

3) The Soft Touch Umpire

When in doubt give in…’Well they all shouted so loudly it must have been out, mustn’t it?’ No it’s because you cracked last season…..This Umpire is usually replaced at the end of the over.

4) The Law of Averages Umpire

Usually Says Things Like….’Well you can’t turn em all down can you? It’s the law of averages, isn’t it?….No it is not….

5) The Coach Umpire

Usually umpires both ends…He often mutters things like ‘wait for the bad ball-there’ll be one anytime now.’..He usually points out the weakest fielder…Me usually, although I’m not alone.

6) The Stevie Wonder Umpire.

He is honest. Can count to six but gives everybody out…Always volunteers to Umpire…please be aware…

Men for All Seasons

As Winter approaches in Britain...Over here, in Australia, Summer and cricket are almost back.... Indoor 'Nets' began weeks ago with a healthy mix of 'old farts' ......young 'pups' and the 'others'....We are now practicing outdoors...twice per week.....
I am playing once again for Ocean Ridge Cricket Club and pre season in well under way. I thought I would introduce you to some of the characters of Ocean Ridge Cricket Club....

Mase..(Cricket Manager)...(picture Homer Simpson with a clip board)...Nice guy who is trying to encourage 'winning' cricket at the club.

Mase

Geoff Smith....loves Ocean Ridge... not the greatest fan of Mr Gill...an attribute that might endear him to many this season.... Not a bad cricketer...not as good as Gilly but eh.....

Geoff Smith

Dunks...A real nice guy a club veteran who is going to have to put up with Mr Gill in the same team... Dunks will drag his aching body through, 'one more season', or so he tells me...'see you next year then Dunks'.....Gilly and Dunks could be a great 'double act'.

Dunks

Dinga...Lingy...Linger....Daniel....(1st Team Captain and Club Coach) A nice guy and very good Cricketer...almost as good as Gilly....(That's a rare compliment)...Dinger is neither an 'old fart' or a 'Pup' as he seems hard to age...some say he's 35...some say he's 12...you be the judge...

Which one is Dinga???

Gibbo....Scares me.... a lot...What the british see as an Aussie....A good cricketer, a 'big' guy with a bashed up patched up body...My first memory of Gibbo was meeting him at nets and on seeing him limping and making the enquiry 'have you injured something'...... half an hour later he had listed 10 injuries that made me wince...and remember I'm a 25 year veteran nurse...I do remember Harves mouthing, 'don't ask him' behind his back....

GIBBO

(Here seen pointing at Gillys Ball before bowling to him)

Gilly...(Me)...The Pom...Well....I love the game and still want to play all the time. I believe in aggressive attacking Cricket and I hope we win something this season....I like to call it sexy cricket...Mind you I have mixed in good Cricketing circles in the past...

Gilly

Training has produced some new players this year...many of them brits. I do hope that they all remember the greatest Cricketer...other than Gilly...was born here...that man of course.......... Don Bradman.....with a batting average of 99.94.

2008 marks the centenary of Bradman's birth and 60 years ago when he finished his last Test match. His achievements remain without equal. From the moment he retired there has been a compulsion both to explain how he did what he did and to try to unveil the next Bradman. (Come on Dinga he might be at training???!!!)

It is one thing to laud the scale of his run-scoring, it is another to contemplate that its like will never be seen again. Usain Bolt has run into history in the past few weeks with two performances which broke the world records for 100m and 200m and demonstrated again what it is that humans do. They get better...(Harves, Smithy..take note..we don't need youngsters)Yet nobody has come close to emulating Bradman by any yardstick. Of batsmen to have played 20 Test innings, none average above 70, only four above 60.....WOW Enjoy 'The Don' here on film...Stew

Have Perthy on us

Hello Blog fans....Well Perth has been in the news this week.....Wow I hear you Yawn....
I was lucky enough to meet ms Rice and she loved the blouse I bought for her......I was very upset by the way the media viewed my choice.....
Condoleezza Rice showed a little bit more than she intended at a recent Perth visit, courtesy her flesh-coloured blouse. Rice started day two of her Perth stopover with a morning coffee at trendy Perth cafe Cino To Go, with her host, Australian local immigrant, Stewart Gill. With the camera lights flashing her blouse appeared a little more revealing that she would have expected. Later, Rice cheered and applauded by 450 schoolgirls after answering their questions during a visit to their school.

In world news .... Radovan Karadzic was supposedly captured I found myself thinking he could have hidden in Perth and would never have been found. I found myself asking......

Karadzic. .....Who Did They Really Capture?
I think we’re all agreed it isn’t Karadzic, so who did they really arrest?
Suggestions so far:
Willie Nelson.
Santa Claus.
Charles Darwin .
Fidel Castro ..
Chuck Norris.
Karl Marx.
Uncle Albert.
Brian Blessed.
The Arch Bishop of Canterbury.

Saddam Hussein...again.

My guess is that LARGE beards make people EVIL..... Here is the proof

Australia not just the Barbie capital of the World..... they love fast food and pastries...This has lead to an obesity epidemic...this is strange and worrying as we came here for a healthier lifestyle. The following article says it all...

As Australia sends its Olympic team to Beijing, just how representative is this trim and taut group compared to the rest of the country? If you thought Australians are all home doing their routine 26-mile run, beating their personal best in the pool and then fortifying themselves with a macrobiotic diet, there is only one response -- fat chance!
The average Australian is breaking records all right, but it has more to do with the waistline than the finish line. Australia has become the fattest nation in the world, with the highest proportion of its population overweight. Australia has more than nine million adults obese or overweight, according to a report by Australia's Baker Heart and Diabetes Institute released last month. The latest figures show four million Australians -- or 26% of the adult population -- are now obese, compared to 25% of Americans.

Given the above here is McDonalds response

Have you ever woken up and needed 4 eggs, 5 pieces of bacon, 2 sausage patties, 6 pieces of cheese, 3 chicken nuggets, some onion rings,and mayonaise on a giant sourdough roll to get you going in the morning? Well your prayers have been answered. Those are the ingredients to McDonald's new breakfast sandwich, "The HeartBreaker".With 2,000 calories, 120g fat, 125g carbohydrates, and a whopping 3,600mg sodium, "The HeartBreaker" more than doubles its competition in nutritional value. McDonald's announced the sandwich as part of a new campaign aimed at the 18-34 yr. old men market. "This is a sandwich for real men

This is What should happen to Ronald McDonald...

Tooth Hurty

What a GREAT week... West Brom got promoted back to the Premier League which means I will be able to watch them every week on the TV...... I also had a comic moment you dream about. On Saturday I broke a tooth.....On sunday, I visited Dr Chin (a Chinese Dentist) ...the appointment time ......(Wait for it....)....2:30.....(Come on how funny is that)...More about Dentists later...

Their is something exciting about watching English football when you live in Australia. It is always dark outside, it is always late at night, or the early ours and I am usually alone...although I get texts throughout the game from agonised mates going through the torture of being a West Brom fan...comments like .."Why do I do this, they always let me down"...often followed by...."Yes I knew we'd do it"... I sometimes feel like a very distant agony aunt who is just as anxious herself...

I am so glad we are back..for myself my friends, but mostly for my boys, who still support the 'Albion', despite living in a country where only Man U... Liverpool..Arsenal...and Chelsea figure. I always get a lump in the throat when my boys wear their Albion shirts and proudly explain for the tenth time...'I support West Brom cus they are the greatest'. And now they are at least back in the big time...West Brom is mine...my Dad's..my brothers and lots of my families team and it links my boys to their 'black country' heritage and links them to my loved ones...They are proudly Irish and Catholic....like their mum and her great family but they are also black country lads like my Dad...Grandad..and Great Grandad...However I remind them supporting the Albion is like tooth ache at times...which brings me back to Dentists...

Growing up, I never had a problem going to the dentist. I, unlike most children who feared the sights, sounds, and smells of the dental office, actually enjoyed going. But as a 40+-old with sensitive teeth, a routine cleaning has become the bain of my existence.

To illustrate the point, I've made a list of what it was like to go to the dentist then and what it's like to go to the dentist now.

Then:There were plenty of comics to read in the waiting room. Beano/Dandy/Tiger and Scorcher , how I miss you!
Now:You're lucky if there's an issue of Newsweek from June '02.

Then:The Dentist had posters of cartoon characters happily brushing and flossing.
Now:The Dentist has posters of adult gingivitis and oral cancer. Bleeding gums and black teeth are not very appetizing before lunch.

Then:The Dentist used disclosing tablets that turned my teeth bright red in order to show me where the plaque was (and really, what 8-year-old boy wouldn't love to have red teeth?).
Now: The Dentist must've been a torturer in a former life because this lady can scrape and prod like nobody's business.

Then:No bills to pay and the receptionist loaded me down with parting gifts: a sparkly purple toothbrush, bubble gum-flavored toothpaste, a smiley face sticker, and a cherry lollipop.
Now:I pay the bills. 'Nuff said.

Love stew

No Fashion Sense

Hello Bloggers, here is a true tale to make you parents, shoppers and teenagers all smile...

When in the UK last 2007 my son purchased lots and lots of Lonsdale and Everlast clothing only to find out that....(according to his friends in the UK) it was naff, chavvy and NOT to be worn...As his one mate said...'did you buy the bottle of white lightning cider to go with the t shirt'...so he promptly threw away the lot before we came back to Australia..."I don't want anyone laughing at me at my new school"...he stated....


We arrive in Australia only to discover that Lonsdale and Everlast tee shirts and clothing is the height of fashion and very very expensive....

This plain Everlast shirt.....UK price £4.00......Aussie Price......$45.00...=£21.00

This Lonsdale hoodie....UK....£12.99...Aussie....$67.00

As my son, James says..... doh!!!





Love Stew

MEN AND SHOPPING

Hello I have emails asking for more personal stuff on 'life in Australia'

Let me know if you enjoy my writing style I am trying to improve.

Thursdays are generally family days, well family evenings actually. In Western Australia we only have ‘late night’ shopping on Thursday and as I and the children, tend to be playing sport on Saturdays. Thursdays have become our family shopping time…oh goody.

Last Thursday, Mrs Gill was in shoe-shopping mode, which means hours and hours of making some poor bloke in a cheap suit fetch endless boxes of more or less identical footwear and then deciding not to have anything, so I and the boys wisely decided to clear off and have a look at the toys, gadgets and other things that really interest men and boys.

To show her I love her, I first took her and the boys to the food court where we ate and she issued me with her usual precise instructions for a rendezvous. ‘Seven o’clock outside Woolworth’s. But listen – stop fiddling with that and listen - if Dingo & Wombat don’t have the shoes I want I’ll have to go to Beggs, in which case meet me at 7.15 by the frozen foods in the ING supermarket. Otherwise I’ll be in Angus & Robertson in the cookery books section or possibly the children’s books - unless I’m in Big W feeling toasters. But probably, in fact, I’ll be at Dingo & Wombat, trying on all the same shoes all over again, in which case meet me outside live clothing, no later than 7.27. Have you got that?’
‘Yes.’….(No).
‘Don’t let me down.’
‘Of course not.’ (In your dreams.)

I love shopping on my own and actually relish following a list supplied by my wife. However I hate the endless waiting for your other half and there is a universal look men give each other in shoe and clothing shops across the world.
Recently, in my local shopping centre, whilst waiting for Jackie to look at the same blouse for the tenth time I spotted a bloke in a suit sitting next to a pile of shopping bags. He had an enormous Australian beard – (Picture Billy Connelly) and the sort of world-weary look of someone who has long since abandoned hope of going home for a beer. ‘Have you been here long?’ I asked. He exhaled thoughtfully and said: ‘Put it this way mate. I was clean shaven when I got here.’ I just love that.

http://www.westfield.com/whitfordcit

STEWY

When Irish Eyes are Aussie

Hello blog lovers.

“slainte agus fad saol chughat is go b,fhaig tu pog anocht”

Happy Easter and St Patricks weekend.

I love my connection to the Irish. I married the daughter of Irish Parents, have wonderful Irish in-laws...'The McElroys' (Those of us Married to the McElroys were christened the 'Outlaws' by Bernadette, my wifes sister....we got our revenge by starting the 'I married a McElroy' Club...see t shirts...still available upon request) and two boys who know and love their Irish routes.

http://www.mcelroyclan.zoomshare.com/

The Irish tradition of travel has been a long one and helps those of us a long way from home feel somehow connected to an Irish culture. Often through the usual Irish theme pub, but more importantly through the work of enthusiastic individuals like those featured in this web site:

http://www.blarneybulletin.com/

Anyhow it is always great to pretend to be Irish if only for a day and I like the effect Guinness has on me, leaving me...full and satified...like a good Irish meal...

I was trying to find an Irish joke that didn't follow the drinking stereotype and came across this one...I liked it a lot....

A Dog’s Funeral
Muldoon, an Irish immigrant in Australia lived alone in the bush with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, me dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying a mass for the poor creature?”
Father Patrick replied, “I’m afraid not, we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some methodists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.
Muldoon said, “I’ll go right away, Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough for donate for the service?”
Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus? Why didn’t ya’ tell me the dog was Catholic?”

Love The Gills

Hair today Blonde tomorrow

Hello bloggers.

Todays blog will include some piccies. ......But first.......SHOWER WATCH......

110-12

The Aussies continue to avoid showering like a bleeding man avoids a tank of sharks...WHY???...Does anyone have a theory.....

Stewart collects his money from under the unused soap

.. Some of the boys post match 'Training'

Left to right: Candles. Stowie.Watto.AL

Some great sledging this week.

To a guy who edged the ball time after time: 'Oi Edge where's Bono'. ..'he would't know he hasn't found what he's looking for'.......The guy sulked the entire match....yeah..result.

We bowled and fielded well this week. The opposition were all out for 134. At stumps we were 12 for no wicket with Gill in next...talk about a long wait to bat.....




Australia is a truly beautiful country and spending time on the beach reminds you of this.

Here I am with our boys James and Stephen. On Yanchep beach on Jan 7 2007

Yanchep Beach

While watching the cricket game on TV Monday night, my wife, Jackie and I were discussing life and death. I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer. Some days I hate being married to a smart arse.

I do, however feel sorry for Jackie as she now has three Cricket fanatics in the house. Both James and Stephen had Cricket bats for Christmas and as everyone knows my love for playing Cricket remains un-diminished. i can't explain how I still find playing one of the most fulfilling parts of my life...god I wish I could explain it but I can't...


Christmas Champagne on the beach, $30.00 New Years Eve Cocktails, $ 50.00... Seeing Stewart like this ....PRICELESS...















stewy