Chariots of Fire

Chariots Of Fire



We are now getting nearer to our dream of the 'Aussie life'

• We now have a house...we should move in by the end of September.
  
• We are now getting nice weather... 27 degrees as I type.
  
• We have settled jobs.
  
• We (James and myself) are training for the new Cricket Season.
  
• The wine is cheap....
  
• The food is great....
  

So why oh why did I agree to get up at 6am on Sunday the 27th and run 12km.

Well I have always liked to run and I have always undertaken brave challenges...New York Marathon...Drinking with my wifes family...arguing with Jackie...etc

However the last two bullet points have impaired my judgement and waistline.

You see like most men I can look in the mirror and kid myself. I looked and saw Linford Christie, sadly I now run more like Agatha Christie.

Myself and a friend. Peter Bampton...(picture Grant Mitchell's head with Peggy Mitchells legs and Pat Butchers build) set out to compete in the Perth City to Surf 12km run.

Well, the weather was hot, Peter beat me by 2 mins and a woman dressed as an Ostrich crossed the finish line with me.

Is it time to hang up the trainers...no way. As I type I can see my reflection in the window and do you know I think I have lost weight... I can see a touch of the young Daley Thompson.......

Love

Stew

Tea & Crumpet

TEA & CRUMPET



Pre season Cricket training has begun...and boy is it different from England.

Let us compare.

Australia:

• Skills training every Sunday.
• Fitness training every Wednesday.

You don't come you don't play...no bull no excuses.

England:

• Nets on Sunday

Training schedule.

Australia:

Skills Training

• Turn up on time.
• Turn up fit and prepared.
• Warm up (supervised)
• Target sheets given. (Bowlers/Batsmen: weaknesses assessed during the season or from previous weeks training)
• Bowlers begin bowling.
• Batsmen have 15 mins in nets and 15 mins with bowling machine (supervised)
• Warm down.
• Coach talks to individual and later to whole squad.

England:

• Turn up.
• Try not to be too pissed. (But if you are no one cares)
• First there, or most pushy, pad up for a bat.
• Bowlers and the generally lazy/cowardly avoid batting. ("I'll wait till they are knackered)
• Batsmen slog or bat without direction.
• Bowlers try to bounce the bloke they least like (usually me).
• Lots of farting leaving vapour trails of the previous nights beer/curry.
• Younger/less important players get less bowling to face as by 1/2 way bowlers are tired and 'drift' off to talk to anyone who will listen.
• Captain takes the piss and watches only his favoured players.

Fitness Training.

Australia.

Every Wednesday

Circuit Training. (All with a Gym instructor.)

Warm up (Light jogging/Stretches)

Circuit 1 (In square. Run to each point and complete.)

1) 10xFour-count squat thrusts:

2) 10xPush-ups

3) 10xSit ups

4) 30 second rest

Repeat 10 times.

Circuit 2 (In Pairs)

50 jabs with left.

50 jabs with right.

50 hooks with left.

50 hooks with right.

50 straight kicks with left.

50 straight kicks with right.

50 rounhouse kicks with left

50 rounhouse kicks with right.

Circuit 3

Walk up steps. (30)

Run up steps.

Bound up two at a time.

Run up two at a time.

10 squats

Repeat 10 times

Pool Time

1400 metres swimming. (A 50 metre pool which are everywhere here. 50 In Western Australia. pop 2,000,000. Apparently their are 5 in the whole of the UK. pop 60,000,000)

I am by now so tired and behind the others that on my last length they are all encouraging me with shouts of "Tea and Crumpet" Why I don't know.

However Only me, the Pom. Showers!

However by now I am such a physical wreck I put on someone elses under pants. I only discover this when I get home..Back in the shower...

England

Training.

Jog round ground throw a few balls. Scratch own balls. Attempt to scratch mates balls.

Break wind. Plan nights drinking.

In the shower. Show everyone your balls.

How the hell did England win the Ashes

Stew

Aussie Culture

Aussie Culture

I am truly beginning to enjoy the Aussie life and, contrary to popular pommie belief. The Aussies are, in general, a warm kindly people.....Until sport is played/mentioned/watched.

On Sunday August 6 2006 I became, with my two boys. a Fremantle Dockers fan.

Now, the 'Dockers', or 'Freo', as some call them, play Aussie Rules Football, which is a cross between Football, Rugby and 'all in Wrestling'.

I sat and watched 36 men (yes it's 18 per side) beat the living snot out of each other for two hours. Head butts, punches, elbows all ignored by the refs. Great...While all this is happening a baying crowd, dressed in wooly hats and sleeveless shirts. Consume meat pies and beer..all without a hint of trouble...Oh the game also went on with Freo winning by 106 to 56.

The atmosphere and smell was wonderfully vintage 1970's English football. All without the menace of a fight or riot.

Even when I shouted "great catch' and was told, 'it's a mark, ya pommie arsehole' I didn't feel threatened...anyhow I could have taken her..,well, if her Dad wasn't there I could have done.

The Aussies get really embarassed if 'anyone' says they are cultured but I think they are. They are also blunt and honest. No pretence. Everyone likes a good skillful match , but eh it's better if some highly paid player gets his lights punched out as well.

Come on admit it, we might not condone it in England, but we all Love when it happens and as much as we know the ref is there to do a job, We would all love to see Robbie Savage and Roy Keane scrapping on the pitch with no sanctions.

Back to the match. The same crowd that watched this game and the same family that told me it's a 'mark' not a catch came back from the half time interval with chips for my Kids unprompted, but freely given.

Now I don't know if that's culture. But it sure is class.

Stew

AUSSIE RULES

AUSSIE RULES.

Well... Australia continues to intrigue and confuse in equal measures.

I was speaking to a work colleague who clearly feels he is an expert on all things Australian.

"Look mate (everyone is mate, even the bloke that is stealing your car.)

What ya gotta remember is, Aussie birds like to be told what's what." "They like to know that a blokes a bloke" (Given his shorts, hairy legs and...I kid you not..cowboy boots, anyone doubting his masculinity would need to be blind)

"Not like you English guys with ya poetry and stuff"....Now without knowing what 'stuff'' is I can not think of an 'average' English guy who knows more than a few words of any poetry. Unless "Your gonna get your F*****n head kicked in" counts.

How the beautiful, smart, Aussie Women I have met would put up with this bull****.. heaven knows...and then I read this on the wall of the secretaries officice.

The Secretary claims her husband wrote this in their Anniversary card.Now I am not sure which one of my work mates is kidding me Him or her.

Make your own mind up.

'Of course I love ya darling You're a bloody top notch bird.
And when I say you're gorgeousI mean every single word.
So ya bum is on the big side I don't mind a bit of flab.
It means that when I'm ready. There's somethin there to grab'

Love Stew

posted by Stew Gill

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Memories of Rose

Memories of Rose

...Rose, what are you like...


Sorry for this, but living on the other side of the world from family, is by its nature, 'the other side of the world'.

We got the terrible news last night that Rose (My wife's mum, our children's nan and my friend and mother -in-law) has died.

Rose was the mother to 12 children. Countless grand children and even a sprinkling of great grand children. She was also a mother figure to me and many other people.Rose was also wonderfully funny and full of humour and character.

I would like to relay one experience of my own.

Rose agreed to come on holiday with myself, Stewart, Jackie (her daughter) and our, at that time, only son, James.

What followed was a fantastic funny, enjoyable holiday with a great woman and not just 'the mother -in-law'.

The following is one of many tales I could tell. (Buy me a Tequilla and I will tell you more).

Setting: A hotel room in Majorca.....Rose comes in to the dining room, almost sobbing with laughter, holding a flat melted plastic electric kettle, revealing that Jackie, her sensible daughter. Had placed an electric kettle on an electric ring. The kettle now resembling a frisbee drew much delight from Rose...."oh Jackie what are you like"

An hour later. Rose finds Stewart trying to hang out washing on the balcony. She laughs as Stewart pulls at the washing line eventually pulling it out of the wall......... "oh Stewart What are you like"

And so the evening went on... eventually, Jackie noticed that Rose was, herself very quiet on the balcony.

A quick check revealed why... Rose, whilst sitting outside enjoying a cigarette and a cup of tea, had burnt a brown patch in her plastic chair. However rather than reveal her moment of mishap she is on her knees 'sanding' the offending evidence away with a matchbox.

The laughter from Rose at being 'caught out' still rings in my ears especially after Jackie and I had our chance to say "Rose, WHAT ARE YOU LIKE"

The great thing was the laughter, still coming from Rose's room an hour after she had gone to bed....'Rose what are you like'.....missed that's what.

Love Jackie Stew James Stephen

posted by Stew Gill

Monday, July 24, 2006

Life in the Australian Army...

Life in the Australian Army

...Thought I would share this with you all.

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)

Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too.
Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quicksmart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!!Ya haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and bythat time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet,but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

love Stew

You Will Never Win The Ashes

You Will Never Win The Ashes

The scent of cricket is defintily in the Aussie air.

Being a cricket addict I have really missed playing cricket during what is the British cricket season.
It is the longest sustained period of cricket inaction I have endured for 32 years....So the chance to 'have a net' was too much to resist.

I found a practice venue (shed, as they are Known here) and enquired about the cost of an hour with a bowling machine.The old aussie guy I met there (Vic) informed me 'people usually pay $5' (about 2 British pounds).

As the shed was empty I asked if I could start right away. 'No problem mate yer boy can load the machine I'll take a look at ya'...'what a friendly bloke', I thought...

Vic promptly sets up the machine to send driveable balls on the off stump at 60 mph 'how helpful I thought.' Vic stands next to the net and watches..'Load the first ball nipper', he instructs my son.The 80mph inswinging ball hit my inner thigh so bloody hard, I hopped further than Jonathon Edwards at the Olympics.

'How fast was that'?, I squealed to Vic. 'Oh about 80 he replies our under 14's have it that high''

Can I have it slower please' I whimper.'Sure' says Vic.

Normal service is resumed I proceed to hit some nice looking cover drives and Vic even manages to say good shot once.

At the end of the session Vic smiles, takes my $5 and says, 'you wont win the ashes'.

I choose to say nothing as Vic has the power to put the bowling machine up to 90 mph.My son however cannot resist and gleefully informs Vic. 'we did win the ashes last year'.

Vic smiled and asked if I would be back next week.......I will keep you informed.

Stew Gill
Monday, July 17, 2006

The Beauty Therein

The Beauty Therein



Hello everyone.

I thought I needed to share an Aussie moment with you.After a lovely lecture this week on, understanding the Aboriginal culture and listening to the beauty therein. I stepped out of the Clinic I am working at (Mirrabrooka) and decided not to walk on the opposite side of the street when confronted by the local gathering of the indigenous population, choosing to embrace their humanity."Hello", says I. "F**k off ya white C**t" is the reply...

Now anyone that has played cricket with/against me Knows that this is not a phrase that is new to me. However, I was slightly suprised as it normally takes several minutes for people to take an instant dislike to me.

Not put off my stride I decided to be clever."Thats not nice" I smarmily replied. "Your'e a fat C***t as well", came the reply.

Now that is beautiful...

Stew Gill

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Tie me Kangaroo down sport

Tie me Kangaroo down sport



Well here I am. A cricket loving Black Country Englishman in Australia.

Perth to be exact...well Mullaloo to be precise!! and here lies problem number one.

I am living in an English speaking Country with place names even locals can't agree how to pronounce.Example : Joondalup (The Cricket Club I will soon be joining) Peter, one half of the couple we are living with insists on affecting a mock french accent and pronoucing it Jerndaloop much to the amusement of his wife Greta who in turn insists it is pronounced Junedalup (she is in fact correct)

I however cannot stop saying Johndaloop. Apparently this mis-pronounciation means apart of the male anatomy in aboriginal...needless to say the large aboriginal fellow I asked to show me how to get to Joondalup was both confused and dare I say a little intrigued. Still his mate told me 'piss off' anyway.

Any how having prepared for the difficult names you are confronted with Beedoboondu Sandwiched by Warwick and Brighton. I kid you not.

The only consolation to my language difficulties has been the young woman at work (I am a nurse) stating she could listen to my black country accent forever as, and I kid you not, "you sound like that Hugh Grant...!!!"

LoveStew