Ashes to Tashes

Shower Watch.....66-3...Yes an Aussie showered this week...well, I say Aussie. "Dunks" was born in England.....

Come on England....4-1

The Club I play Cricket for are Supporting a great mens health Charity. MOVEMBER

http://www.movember.com/au/whatismov/

Well. The Aussies never fail to amuse...In a Country that never picks a real Australian to play for them (i.e. anyone who is Aboriginal, black...asian...) this great email was sent to me

'Sajid Mahmood – Fast Bowler, well you even bagged him, so enough said, but with such a english name as mahmood i'm sure he's up to the english high standards of ronnie irani and the other blokes your drag off the streets, say here's 50 quid if you play for us.'

With the Ashes in full swing and the fans on both sides warming up the vocal chords I do have to say. The Aussie fans are C**p they cannot hope to win the humourous chant battle. We are too experienced and they are too thick...Here are some of their attempts...

'Cheer up Michael Vaughan. How bad must it be,
To a be a poor pommie whinger,And you're watching on TV?'

A poor pommie whinger? Hah, I remember a certain ricky ponting whinging when he was comically run out by a certain Gary Pratt at Trent Bridge. (They catch our lads with a sub...no whingeing)

Plus Vaughan won’t be watching on TV, he’ll be in Australia laughing.

Then there’s this one:

Monty Panesar's useless, A poor old English chap,And when he's not spin bowling,No fan will ever clap. (Actually monty gets the biggest ovations from the crowd EVERY time he touches the ball)
He's useless in the covers,He's useless in the slips. (He doesn’t field in the slips, so why chant that.)
And when he straps the pads on, He'll pass out with the yips. (Oh I see what you’ve done)

One question: Why aren’t there any parodies of Australian bands like Jet and AC/DC... oh I know why, because they’re both extremely crap. You see we have the Beatles, Rolling Stones, Oasis, The Clash, Sex Pistols, The Who….

Here is a Barmy Army chant, hopefully this will inspire themto write some decent chants.
(To the tune of "Yellow Submarine")

In the town where I was born, there lived a man who was a thief.
And he told me of his life, stealing bread and shagging sheep.
So they put him in the nick, and then a magistrate he went to see
He said "put him on a ship, to the convict colony"
"You all live in a convict colony, a convict colony, a convict colony
You all live in a convict colony, a convict colony, a convict colony"

Sung to the tune of ‘Advance Australia Fair’


“About 200 years ago my Grandad stole a bike,
They put him on a prison ship with the blokes that the poms don’t like,
And now we’re all back over here drinking fizzy beer
And wearing 1980s clothes With haircuts that look queer!”


Stew

Aussie Showers

Shower watch...this weekend (Game 5) someone else showered....55-2 ...yes you guessed it another Pom. Big Allen...No that's not why he showered..

The Ashes are coming and I am testing out the famous Aussie 'sense of humour' as displayed by Ricky 'butch' Ponting.


Some observations

• Aussie Teeth. The hugely expensive part pay health Service means that many...(most) have terrible teeth. One line I heard recently...'Their are so many gaps in your teeth it looks like your tongues in Jail.'
• The Aussies do have a huge inferiority complex. A few days ago, General Tommy Franks was giving a press conference on the state of the war. “What do you think of the quality of the Australian troops under your command?” an intrepid reporter from down-under asked. The whole room burst into laughter at this embarrassing plea for approval. “Excellent” the General replied with a laugh. Closing Camera shot was of the whole room in hysterics.
• Most Aussies are either so polite you want to slap them, or so rude you want to punch them.
• The crappy television. Aussie commercial TV stations are like American ones without the imagination or the budget. A two hour movie quickly turns into a four hour marathon once you add in the commercials.
• All the macho garbageThere is a certain breed of Australian male, that only exists in order to prove he isn't gay. This largely consists of aggressive driving, owning dangerous dogs, getting drunk, starting fights and insulting strangers. Every pub has at least three of these guys out to ruin everyone else's night. Could the 'macho' stuff be to hide their true feelings...maybe that's why they don't shower with me
• Their refusal to admit that we Brits are better than them. Try the old superiority ruse out here, and you’ll quickly be knocked down to size. They are quick to point out their sporting prowess, booming economy, Academy award winning actors, better food etc etc etc. My mention of the Beatles and Shakespeare are dismissed as yesterday’s news..... Smug bastards.

Stew

Didgeredon't

Let me start by saying Australians are great. However they do have some strange ideas about the English...

1. We don't shower.... Well, I have now played four Cricket games and I am the only one to shower in all four games...44 to one in favour of the Pommies!!! believe me shower gel and deodorant are cheaply available over here...
2. We have no sense of humour...Well I placed a bet on England to win the Ashes 4-0 at 251/1...so that disproves that one..
3. The English are snobs...no we have a history and Culture to be proud of.....What the difference between Australia and Yoghurt....Yoghurt has a culture after 200 years!!
4. We all whinge. Well ok they do have a point although they do have politicans worthy of a good moan.

Any how here is a Australian Joke

An Aussie fella who was working on contract for 3 months in the UK, was drinking in a local pub in England, gets a Call on his mobile phone.

He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, he orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, because, he announces his wife back home has just produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Perth lad just shrugs, "That's about average in Australia. Like I said, my boy is a typical Aussie baby boy.

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "Christ al mighty" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.Two weeks later the bloke returns to the bar.

The bartender says "You're the father of that typical Aussie baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks we were going to call you.

So, how much does he weigh now?

The proud father answers, '17 pounds"

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.The Aussie father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his beer, Wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leansonto the bar and proudly says.............."Had him circumcised mate"

What I have noticed is in Australia...

• The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
• The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
• Whether its the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.
  
• On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallet by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out. We might have very stupid thieves. Or really stinky sandshoes.
• A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.
• It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".
  
• And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one says "cobber"..
  

Stew

COUNTDOWN TO THE ASHES

Well the England Team are in Australia and like hot fish and chips, warm beer and quarter-final defeats on penalties to lucky teams, it’s the English tradition to start a cricket tour with a humiliating defeat.

My own Aussie Cricketing exploits took a turn for the better (3-20), although the team lost.
I actually enjoyed my Cricket again and my Captain...yes... "Sweetballs".

Much more relaxed approach and although we lost we pushed the opposition all the way with great team spirit and enthusiasm.

Some great 'sledging'...When one grey bearded batsman appeared he was greeted with a barrage of 'Lord of the Rings' references...eg. 'Come on lads he's got some bad hobbits' ...'come on bowler cast yer spell' and my favourite... 'come on Bilbowl him out'...I nearly peed myself at that point.

Any how back to the Ashes. I am working a Clarkson Child and Adolescent Clinic.
In my first week I was introduced to lots of new people, one of whom I was told, had a brother who played Cricket. Keen to make new friends I kindly offered to 'go down the nets with him and bowl him a few balls'.....everyone began to laugh at that point...???...The womans name...Jemma Langer (Great Person)..her brother...yes you've guessed it Justin Langer the Aussie opening bat and scorer of 23 Test Centuries...

Maybe if I had trained with him I could have brought him down to my level...Still I don't want improve him too much.

Jemma has since had to put up with me putting up England Ashes Posters in the Clinic and in her Office. She takes it all in good spirit. She is also a superstar in her own right ,great at her job and patient with this irritating Pommie.

As someone who has worked in Mental Health for twenty plus years I hope Marcus Trescothic makes a recovery and that everyone is understanding. Cricket has to take a back seat sometimes

Anyhow Bring it on.


Stew

Real Heroes

Hello everyone

As you may know I have been coaching the Joondalup & Kinross under 12 team.

Here they are after their latest match.

As regular blog watchers will know the lads were on the receiving end of a batting frenzy , being hit for 300+ runs in 45 overs the previous week.

The boys trained hard in between and returned to finish the match (Matches here are 45 overs spread over two weeks) they were encouraged to: Try their hardest. Support each other. And keep the opposition out in the field for 45 overs.

They did all three... What a team. The opposition got tired, wet (yes it rained) and cold, our boys looked like the winning team, as you can see.

What was also pleasing was the less experienced players did better than anyone could expect.

I could not have been more proud of this mix of Aussie and Pommie lads.

Stew

Pleasure and Pain

Well....where do I begin...
As everyone knows, I love Cricket.
Cricket Aussie style is ...interesting...

I am 'coach' to the Joondalup Kinross under 12's and it is fantastic...
The kids are so enthusiastic and seeing them improving is great.

The first match was 45 overs per side! played over two weekends.
Matches start at 8:30 and end at 11:30 and we won. We bowled the opposition out for 103 and chased there score for the loss of 6 wickets..... the lads were ecstatic. I was proud and life was good...however, Cricket, like life, has a habit of reminding you who is the boss...

Second game. We bowled...some of the lads exclaimed 'lets bowl em out quick and bat today.' Three 30 degree hours later, the opposition had scored 303 for 5...ouch!!!

LETS SEE HOW OUR RESPONSE GOES THIS WEEKEND!!!!!

Meanwhile my own Cricket adventure continues to frustrate me. My second match I was given one over to bowl (over 68 out of 72) I bowled a poor one and was 'rested'...I was gutted embarrassed and felt I had been treated very shoddily.

All this without 'Sweet balls' who was 'skipperring' the next team down. I will miss him as we seemed the only ones cabable of annoying the opposition...quote "he must be good he played that with his eyes shut"
"

The skipper is nice, enthusistic, good guy ...We agreed to disagree... The matches so far have been poorly executed by the players who have not performed. Many of the younger players do seem to lack the confidence to fight for the team and seem very quiet...(Yes I know Aussie and Quiet!!???) are they afraid to raise their heads??.

However the style over here does not seem 'consultative' I have not and don't expect to be asked an opinion, but after 30 years of Cricket as a player and Captain I might have some suggestions of use...???

Week two: I was at last given a chance to bat at number 5...ouch again I played a few decent shots and scored 13 I fear the chop will be dispensed which will be somewhat unfair after one batting chance in a position I have rarelly batted in... Still, results are everything.

Just to test the Aussie theory that, they, not us have a sense of humour...we will see. I have noticed the appearance of several posters proclaiming the following...

In Affectionate Remembrance
of
AUSTRALIAN CRICKET

which died at the Oval
on
12th SEPTEMBER, 2005

Deeply lamented by a large circle of sorrowing friends and acquaintances

R.I.P

N.B-Ricky Ponting and John Buchanan
Will be crucified in a separate ceremony
And the convicts taught a severe lesson in 2006

Why would they drop me now...surely humiliation is a better option

Love STEW