Captain's Slog

Sorry for the delay folks...but we are back...Very Cricket centred so sorry folks...

Well the Cricket Season is here again…as England wraps up and prepares for winter, I prepare for SUN…..HEAT….and SWEATY AUSSIES…(Remember from previous blogs…they don’t shower)…But as Meatloaf said, two out of three aint bad…..

I have been handed the Captaincy of a team this year…..the Mighty Ocean Ridge Cricket team have spotted my obvious potential…or as one player said ‘they want you in the tent pissing out, rather than outside pissing in,’ fair point……

Well my first match was on Saturday the 10th …..and…… the opposition cried off, giving me…. a forfeit victory….Yeahhhh Top of the League.

So, with a free Saturday what is a man to do…..bloody DIY according to my wife…(We will call her Jackie…mainly as that’s her name)…so after working all morning I did manage to sneak out and watch some of the other Ocean Ridge teams.
Finally settling for Harve's Mighty 9ths….

Jim (Ducky) Cornwell was batting with Johnny (Boycott) Larmett…(How sporting of John to play with a plasticine bat)….to be fair Jim looked good…very good….until he edged a ball that was two feet over his head…When you consider he is already 6 feet.4…this takes some doing. (No Ball surely….no he was given out)...Greg ('House' ) Harves looked greyer by the second ....Harves by the way demonstrated the great art of running between the wickets.... whilst impersonating Stephen Hawking with a great scooby doo 'on the spot' styling..Anyhow the rain came and Australia looked briefly like England....
Now as a spectator it was interesting to hear the umpire ‘bagged’ so early in the season and it got me thinking about umpire types in club cricket....Please let me know if you recognise yourself.....

1) The Moral Umpire

To the moral Umpire what counts is whether the player deserved to be out. Pitched outside leg stump?…Not important. Playing boringly?..Afraid so, and up goes the finger….

2) The Bored Umpire

The bored Umpire is usually a non batting bowler who thinks batsmen are wimps because they don’t try hit every ball for six. He usually comes in at 10 or 11, doesn’t take guard and aims a giant swing at every delivery, occasionally he connects with a few and very occasionally makes a quick 16 or 20. This makes him, in his tiny deranged mind, an all-rounder who still thinks like a bowler. He thinks the benefit of the doubt as bulls**t…As an Umpire he gets more wickets than as a bowler…his explanations are:

‘He had his chance, didn’t he?’

‘It was such a good ball it deserved a wicket.’

‘Any how he was nearly out in the last over and he was playing so boringly…’

Shit it was only the third Over…….

3) The Soft Touch Umpire

When in doubt give in…’Well they all shouted so loudly it must have been out, mustn’t it?’ No it’s because you cracked last season…..This Umpire is usually replaced at the end of the over.

4) The Law of Averages Umpire

Usually Says Things Like….’Well you can’t turn em all down can you? It’s the law of averages, isn’t it?….No it is not….

5) The Coach Umpire

Usually umpires both ends…He often mutters things like ‘wait for the bad ball-there’ll be one anytime now.’..He usually points out the weakest fielder…Me usually, although I’m not alone.

6) The Stevie Wonder Umpire.

He is honest. Can count to six but gives everybody out…Always volunteers to Umpire…please be aware…

And they're Off

MATCH 1: October 11 2008
Venue: Heathridge Opponents: Western Suburbs

Team: SJ Gill T Charlton*P Dunkley E Wild S Young+A Long
BL Dunkley C Cooper JP Dunkley R Malcolm J Moller

Well the wait is over and the season has begun and wow we were.... BAD..... our first game saw us take the field in a, 'one day' 40 over competition...the team had so many new players I suggested name tags as a new playing kit idea.....The problem was, we had either men over 40.... Dunks...Gilly..Longy...or boys who haven't ever shaved.....Tom... Brandon...Scott...Jamie.... The lads in between...... had played so little that one asked when we were 'kicking off'.....oh Sh**....Think Dad's Army meets Harry potter, with the cast of Australia's got talent...making up the numbers.....OH S***

Well, we actually started quite well and managed to bowl the opposition team out for 94. Coops 5 wickets and Gilly 3 for 4... Rob a great catch on debut....OH SH** now we've upset them....we actually bowled really well and made up for lack of class and experience with good effort, team spirit, great bowling and fielding.

So during tea we should have been confident...however murmurs of "they have got enough" were heard...from our changing rooms!!!... So the chase began with youth and experience; Gilly and young Tom...well, 30 minutes later, Gilly (Me) was still standing at the one end of the wicket having watched 6 wickets fall for 20 runs....Oh S***...the shots were all awful and we never looked like chasing 94 and we didn't. Longy, (Picture a shorter, rounder Bruce Willis...yeah I know it's hard) was once again not out and showed that courage can take you a long way...Gilly was out soon playing a dreadful shot knowing that defence would have left him stranded and the team still 50 short....
The post match chat was a problem...to bowl them out was great...really great, but to give our wickets away so easily was shocking and more shocking because the lack of sensible batting.... we gave them wickets ...they didn't take them...

Coops tends the Bar while Jase, Rob and Scott prepare to drown their sorrows......

Club Gossip...James 'Ducky' Cornwell (Could be the best bowler in the Club) has let it slip that last season he was bowled 1st ball by a ten year old girl in a charity game...surprising thing is..... no one was surprised
Here we see the sad episode played out..... Oh maybe that's what distracted him....

Men for All Seasons

As Winter approaches in Britain...Over here, in Australia, Summer and cricket are almost back.... Indoor 'Nets' began weeks ago with a healthy mix of 'old farts' ......young 'pups' and the 'others'....We are now practicing outdoors...twice per week.....
I am playing once again for Ocean Ridge Cricket Club and pre season in well under way. I thought I would introduce you to some of the characters of Ocean Ridge Cricket Club....

Mase..(Cricket Manager)...(picture Homer Simpson with a clip board)...Nice guy who is trying to encourage 'winning' cricket at the club.

Mase

Geoff Smith....loves Ocean Ridge... not the greatest fan of Mr Gill...an attribute that might endear him to many this season.... Not a bad cricketer...not as good as Gilly but eh.....

Geoff Smith

Dunks...A real nice guy a club veteran who is going to have to put up with Mr Gill in the same team... Dunks will drag his aching body through, 'one more season', or so he tells me...'see you next year then Dunks'.....Gilly and Dunks could be a great 'double act'.

Dunks

Dinga...Lingy...Linger....Daniel....(1st Team Captain and Club Coach) A nice guy and very good Cricketer...almost as good as Gilly....(That's a rare compliment)...Dinger is neither an 'old fart' or a 'Pup' as he seems hard to age...some say he's 35...some say he's 12...you be the judge...

Which one is Dinga???

Gibbo....Scares me.... a lot...What the british see as an Aussie....A good cricketer, a 'big' guy with a bashed up patched up body...My first memory of Gibbo was meeting him at nets and on seeing him limping and making the enquiry 'have you injured something'...... half an hour later he had listed 10 injuries that made me wince...and remember I'm a 25 year veteran nurse...I do remember Harves mouthing, 'don't ask him' behind his back....

GIBBO

(Here seen pointing at Gillys Ball before bowling to him)

Gilly...(Me)...The Pom...Well....I love the game and still want to play all the time. I believe in aggressive attacking Cricket and I hope we win something this season....I like to call it sexy cricket...Mind you I have mixed in good Cricketing circles in the past...

Gilly

Training has produced some new players this year...many of them brits. I do hope that they all remember the greatest Cricketer...other than Gilly...was born here...that man of course.......... Don Bradman.....with a batting average of 99.94.

2008 marks the centenary of Bradman's birth and 60 years ago when he finished his last Test match. His achievements remain without equal. From the moment he retired there has been a compulsion both to explain how he did what he did and to try to unveil the next Bradman. (Come on Dinga he might be at training???!!!)

It is one thing to laud the scale of his run-scoring, it is another to contemplate that its like will never be seen again. Usain Bolt has run into history in the past few weeks with two performances which broke the world records for 100m and 200m and demonstrated again what it is that humans do. They get better...(Harves, Smithy..take note..we don't need youngsters)Yet nobody has come close to emulating Bradman by any yardstick. Of batsmen to have played 20 Test innings, none average above 70, only four above 60.....WOW Enjoy 'The Don' here on film...Stew

No Fashion Sense

Hello Bloggers, here is a true tale to make you parents, shoppers and teenagers all smile...

When in the UK last 2007 my son purchased lots and lots of Lonsdale and Everlast clothing only to find out that....(according to his friends in the UK) it was naff, chavvy and NOT to be worn...As his one mate said...'did you buy the bottle of white lightning cider to go with the t shirt'...so he promptly threw away the lot before we came back to Australia..."I don't want anyone laughing at me at my new school"...he stated....


We arrive in Australia only to discover that Lonsdale and Everlast tee shirts and clothing is the height of fashion and very very expensive....

This plain Everlast shirt.....UK price £4.00......Aussie Price......$45.00...=£21.00

This Lonsdale hoodie....UK....£12.99...Aussie....$67.00

As my son, James says..... doh!!!





Love Stew

Boys and their Toys

Hello bloggers.....

what a great week it has been.The boys have broken up for the easter holidays and we continue to house hunt. All the advice seems to be around waiting it out awhile and picking up a bargain later in the year.. Here is the house we almost bought (We put an offer in and changed our minds)..http://reiwa.com/lst/lst-ressale-details.cfm?prop_no=29&searchRef=Ocean%20Reef&ID=2413314

James continues to play indoor cricket now it is winter and his team...The Sharks Everyone has to have nicknames on their shirts (It is the law in Australia) here is James with his mate, Jack 'Barks' Barker...(Everyone in Australia has a nickname...Everyone...arghhhhh)

Stephen is playing 'soccer' ...football, for Heathridge Soccer club, as is James. Here is Stephen, minus front teeth, with a team mate.

On Saturday evening we went to an Astronomical Society event and took the boys and their friends, Jack and Nathan...wow... we looked at the moon...mars...gas nebulas..?? all for $30 (13 quid) we followed that with a trip to the Joondalup show...(So great we went on Sunday too) Fab Four Beatles tribute....fireworks....break dancing...fairground rides...lots of food stallls.... oh and 30 degrees......Just like Birmingham on a Saturday.....

James and myself went to a birthday party at a great place called Lazer Corp, which is an outdoor lazer fighting venue...Great..... men and Boys allowed to run around shooting each other followed by a beer and Sausage sizzle (Regular term used here for a sausage based Barbie)...As you can see the boys look ready for action..lets hope they never have to do this for real...

It is always important to remember that real men and boys have done it for real and we have ANZAC Day to help everyone remember. For those in non Aussie countries ANZAC Day – 25 April – is probably Australia's most important national occasion. It marks the anniversary of the first major military action fought by Australian and New Zealand forces during the First World War. ANZAC stands for Australian and New Zealand Army Corps. The soldiers in those forces quickly became known as ANZACs, and the pride they soon took in that name endures to this day.
Stew

MEN AND SHOPPING

Hello I have emails asking for more personal stuff on 'life in Australia'

Let me know if you enjoy my writing style I am trying to improve.

Thursdays are generally family days, well family evenings actually. In Western Australia we only have ‘late night’ shopping on Thursday and as I and the children, tend to be playing sport on Saturdays. Thursdays have become our family shopping time…oh goody.

Last Thursday, Mrs Gill was in shoe-shopping mode, which means hours and hours of making some poor bloke in a cheap suit fetch endless boxes of more or less identical footwear and then deciding not to have anything, so I and the boys wisely decided to clear off and have a look at the toys, gadgets and other things that really interest men and boys.

To show her I love her, I first took her and the boys to the food court where we ate and she issued me with her usual precise instructions for a rendezvous. ‘Seven o’clock outside Woolworth’s. But listen – stop fiddling with that and listen - if Dingo & Wombat don’t have the shoes I want I’ll have to go to Beggs, in which case meet me at 7.15 by the frozen foods in the ING supermarket. Otherwise I’ll be in Angus & Robertson in the cookery books section or possibly the children’s books - unless I’m in Big W feeling toasters. But probably, in fact, I’ll be at Dingo & Wombat, trying on all the same shoes all over again, in which case meet me outside live clothing, no later than 7.27. Have you got that?’
‘Yes.’….(No).
‘Don’t let me down.’
‘Of course not.’ (In your dreams.)

I love shopping on my own and actually relish following a list supplied by my wife. However I hate the endless waiting for your other half and there is a universal look men give each other in shoe and clothing shops across the world.
Recently, in my local shopping centre, whilst waiting for Jackie to look at the same blouse for the tenth time I spotted a bloke in a suit sitting next to a pile of shopping bags. He had an enormous Australian beard – (Picture Billy Connelly) and the sort of world-weary look of someone who has long since abandoned hope of going home for a beer. ‘Have you been here long?’ I asked. He exhaled thoughtfully and said: ‘Put it this way mate. I was clean shaven when I got here.’ I just love that.

http://www.westfield.com/whitfordcit

STEWY

When Irish Eyes are Aussie

Hello blog lovers.

“slainte agus fad saol chughat is go b,fhaig tu pog anocht”

Happy Easter and St Patricks weekend.

I love my connection to the Irish. I married the daughter of Irish Parents, have wonderful Irish in-laws...'The McElroys' (Those of us Married to the McElroys were christened the 'Outlaws' by Bernadette, my wifes sister....we got our revenge by starting the 'I married a McElroy' Club...see t shirts...still available upon request) and two boys who know and love their Irish routes.

http://www.mcelroyclan.zoomshare.com/

The Irish tradition of travel has been a long one and helps those of us a long way from home feel somehow connected to an Irish culture. Often through the usual Irish theme pub, but more importantly through the work of enthusiastic individuals like those featured in this web site:

http://www.blarneybulletin.com/

Anyhow it is always great to pretend to be Irish if only for a day and I like the effect Guinness has on me, leaving me...full and satified...like a good Irish meal...

I was trying to find an Irish joke that didn't follow the drinking stereotype and came across this one...I liked it a lot....

A Dog’s Funeral
Muldoon, an Irish immigrant in Australia lived alone in the bush with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, me dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying a mass for the poor creature?”
Father Patrick replied, “I’m afraid not, we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some methodists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.
Muldoon said, “I’ll go right away, Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough for donate for the service?”
Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus? Why didn’t ya’ tell me the dog was Catholic?”

Love The Gills

Hair today Blonde tomorrow

Hello bloggers.

Todays blog will include some piccies. ......But first.......SHOWER WATCH......

110-12

The Aussies continue to avoid showering like a bleeding man avoids a tank of sharks...WHY???...Does anyone have a theory.....

Stewart collects his money from under the unused soap

.. Some of the boys post match 'Training'

Left to right: Candles. Stowie.Watto.AL

Some great sledging this week.

To a guy who edged the ball time after time: 'Oi Edge where's Bono'. ..'he would't know he hasn't found what he's looking for'.......The guy sulked the entire match....yeah..result.

We bowled and fielded well this week. The opposition were all out for 134. At stumps we were 12 for no wicket with Gill in next...talk about a long wait to bat.....




Australia is a truly beautiful country and spending time on the beach reminds you of this.

Here I am with our boys James and Stephen. On Yanchep beach on Jan 7 2007

Yanchep Beach

While watching the cricket game on TV Monday night, my wife, Jackie and I were discussing life and death. I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer. Some days I hate being married to a smart arse.

I do, however feel sorry for Jackie as she now has three Cricket fanatics in the house. Both James and Stephen had Cricket bats for Christmas and as everyone knows my love for playing Cricket remains un-diminished. i can't explain how I still find playing one of the most fulfilling parts of my life...god I wish I could explain it but I can't...


Christmas Champagne on the beach, $30.00 New Years Eve Cocktails, $ 50.00... Seeing Stewart like this ....PRICELESS...















stewy