The Invitation

Hello bloggers…thought I would share a bizarre evening spent at Fremantle with my family (Jackie , James and Stephen)….brother in law and assorted others….

Well, the day started like any other….sun…..cricket…pool….and then…!!! A text message from Seamus..( brother in law) inviting us to;

1) View the newly named Steve Irwin boat, with a promise of an on board tour….and a possible meeting with Bindy and her mum etc….
and
2) Attend a book awards presentation.. Honouring the West Australian Maritime museum….mmmm… not our usual idea of fun but the promise of free food and drink swung it…

Mrs Steve Irwin wonders...where are Jackie and Stewart.....?

Well, the Steve Irwin was a fine looking vessel, however NO tours were happening and Bindy Irwin was not even in Perth….Ok, not a great start, but surely the awards ceremony would be a swanky affair packed with Australia’s finest……???..well….....

......No it wasn’t. Seamus met us and we were led into Perth’s oldest building..... which was full…(Well...err... 15 people) of Perth’s oldest professors…Seamus (59) was the young thrusting future of Perth academic research...a sort of Harry Potter amongst the old Wizards...…I (45) was like Pike from Dad’s Army…Jackie and the Kids were looked at like they were exhibits in a museum…

Now, I hear you ask…'what was the food and drink like’??…Well, two bottles of wine and a carton of orange were never going to satisfy the collective thirst…especially that, given the professors ages, most had to swallow medication with some sort of drink at regular intervals...I swear I am not making this up. Also Seamus tends to view wine as ‘gods gift’ ..just for him…
Seamus, incidentally was sweating more than any human I have seen. His sweat had sweat on it at one point and his shirt resembled a used flannel….

And so to the ceremony…Well the winner didn’t bother to show up…and neither did two of the judges!!….I stood next to a guy who looked exactly like Uncle Albert…complete with little sailors cap…really..... I really am not making this up…Jackie was, for some reason …mistaken for the woman who was taking over the West Australian Maritime museum web site….and was being questioned on her knowledge of the 1912 Australian Naval fleet …all with a look of ‘kill me’ written on her face…believe me, the opportunity of taking Stephen to the toilet was like hearing the judge declare you ‘not guilty’.

Jackie smiles for a Professor
We made our excuses and ran away…very quickly….

Aussie Oddballs

The Fart Of Cricket

Hello blog mates….Well the Cricket Season has begun well…Five games three wins….The first a ‘Walk over’….(I think fear prevented them coming to play us!!!!!) And the second a resounding win…. We bowled first and got all 10 wickets for 94…..Every bowler used took wickets and we held every catch…A great start for Gilly ..the ever modest skipper….Our latest win was a last over ‘squeeky’ bum affair and was won in the last over by Al Long and Luke Pummell.

Dunks and Levvo show they mean business....

I thought I would introduce you all to some of the mighty Ocean Ridge team on show.. Amazingly, many players have achieved legend status after just one game…


Al (Stumper….) Long….. Alan has a lot of heart…or ticker, as the Aussies say…but then Al has a lot of everything…Kit….(an amazing magical kitbag with very deep pockets I swear I spotted a Barbie and Typewriter in there.) Body (Like Me) …Tales of Cricket’s past loony characters….. but not hair….. Brilliant 33 to help win the game in week 5

Watto and Dunks Senior point out their batting averages...Mal sports theworlds largest Hat .....

Mal (Captain) Kirkman…get it. Well first game and he was asked to ‘boldly go and open’…. Great bloke who is supportive and tough as nails, a ball smashed into his elbow…. and Mal’s response …’didn’t feel it skip.’

Ben (Hollywood) Ferguson. Mystery surrounds Ben.... is he a Cricketer or is he an actor rehearsing to play a cricketer…Judging from the ‘Sunnies’ he wore on Saturday it is hard to tell…The glasses were so dark, he was found fielding on the nearby Marmion Avenue for 10 overs and Stevie Wonder’s management have warned him to stop taking the piss….

Duncan (Webby) Webb…Top man and brave as… Took a ‘Catch it or die’ effort in the first week of the latest match…one inch from the end of his nose. Batted with Gilly (me) for a couple of hours to steady the ship in the first game…concentration was fantastic..Played this week with a broken finger ...nuff said...

Keiran (Riverdance) Young… An amazing debut for a young guy….Batted well and sensibly with the strangest shuffling feet I have ever seen…’So you think you can Dance’ would snap him up and I would vote him to stay on the show every week…Keiran is the ‘Pike’ (From Dad’s Army) to Al Long’s Godfrey… Mal’s Sergeant Wilson and my Captain Mainwaring….

Keiran and Levvo ...Before and after ten years on the drink.....

Justin (Levvo) Levett. Another guy making his debut this season and already a legend…Guesses as to his age brought about estimates ranging from 25 to 40….Levvo has the look of the ageing rockstar but plays like a veteran can Bowl really well and batted with courage and common sense in the first match to take us over the winning line…

Michael (Watto) Watson…..Like Arnie he said, ‘I’ll be back’ and he is…Great to see him back after long term injury. Bowled really well and batted us back into a winning position in game one…Not subtle…but effective….Contributed with support and advice…welcome back Watto....I like him a lot..despite his moaning...

Jamie (Dunks) Dunkley… Jamie stepped in to bat 3 when no one wanted to do the job in game one and that says a lot about his team spirit. Fielded brilliantly and when he does get a bowl turns it a mile. Quiet until given the Chance to tell us about his Dad’s latest injury/accident…amazing how we couldn’t shut him up then…

Luke (smiler) Pummell…Top man and great guy…Another returning ‘great’ from the past. Luke bowled like he had never been away…(From the club, not prison as someone enquired when they heard me say that.) and has transformed his batting…

Ryan (Valentino) Ross… The star of the match one, bowled brilliantly in all the games so far and fielded really well. All done with a smile. Ryan has cut his hair recently and I wander if the new aerodynamic look is responsible for his new found form.

Captain's Slog

Sorry for the delay folks...but we are back...Very Cricket centred so sorry folks...

Well the Cricket Season is here again…as England wraps up and prepares for winter, I prepare for SUN…..HEAT….and SWEATY AUSSIES…(Remember from previous blogs…they don’t shower)…But as Meatloaf said, two out of three aint bad…..

I have been handed the Captaincy of a team this year…..the Mighty Ocean Ridge Cricket team have spotted my obvious potential…or as one player said ‘they want you in the tent pissing out, rather than outside pissing in,’ fair point……

Well my first match was on Saturday the 10th …..and…… the opposition cried off, giving me…. a forfeit victory….Yeahhhh Top of the League.

So, with a free Saturday what is a man to do…..bloody DIY according to my wife…(We will call her Jackie…mainly as that’s her name)…so after working all morning I did manage to sneak out and watch some of the other Ocean Ridge teams.
Finally settling for Harve's Mighty 9ths….

Jim (Ducky) Cornwell was batting with Johnny (Boycott) Larmett…(How sporting of John to play with a plasticine bat)….to be fair Jim looked good…very good….until he edged a ball that was two feet over his head…When you consider he is already 6 feet.4…this takes some doing. (No Ball surely….no he was given out)...Greg ('House' ) Harves looked greyer by the second ....Harves by the way demonstrated the great art of running between the wickets.... whilst impersonating Stephen Hawking with a great scooby doo 'on the spot' styling..Anyhow the rain came and Australia looked briefly like England....
Now as a spectator it was interesting to hear the umpire ‘bagged’ so early in the season and it got me thinking about umpire types in club cricket....Please let me know if you recognise yourself.....

1) The Moral Umpire

To the moral Umpire what counts is whether the player deserved to be out. Pitched outside leg stump?…Not important. Playing boringly?..Afraid so, and up goes the finger….

2) The Bored Umpire

The bored Umpire is usually a non batting bowler who thinks batsmen are wimps because they don’t try hit every ball for six. He usually comes in at 10 or 11, doesn’t take guard and aims a giant swing at every delivery, occasionally he connects with a few and very occasionally makes a quick 16 or 20. This makes him, in his tiny deranged mind, an all-rounder who still thinks like a bowler. He thinks the benefit of the doubt as bulls**t…As an Umpire he gets more wickets than as a bowler…his explanations are:

‘He had his chance, didn’t he?’

‘It was such a good ball it deserved a wicket.’

‘Any how he was nearly out in the last over and he was playing so boringly…’

Shit it was only the third Over…….

3) The Soft Touch Umpire

When in doubt give in…’Well they all shouted so loudly it must have been out, mustn’t it?’ No it’s because you cracked last season…..This Umpire is usually replaced at the end of the over.

4) The Law of Averages Umpire

Usually Says Things Like….’Well you can’t turn em all down can you? It’s the law of averages, isn’t it?….No it is not….

5) The Coach Umpire

Usually umpires both ends…He often mutters things like ‘wait for the bad ball-there’ll be one anytime now.’..He usually points out the weakest fielder…Me usually, although I’m not alone.

6) The Stevie Wonder Umpire.

He is honest. Can count to six but gives everybody out…Always volunteers to Umpire…please be aware…

For Queensland and Country

Cricket News

The Team...(This week guest Sponsor...Viagra...last longer...be harder....)

E Wild.. T Charlton ..DP Galbraith ..B .Bentley...*P Dunkley... SJ Gill... A Long... L Aguss ...JP Dunkley... .C Cooper .....+JH Larmett



Well , mighty Ocean Ridge completed their second round match.....We began by batting (Elliot 'Wildthing' and Tom 'Bobby' Charlton opened) and we scored 120...probably 40/50 shy of what we needed. Again, we were victims of poor shots brought about by inexperience. Two or three maidens is fine in a 72 over game if you are an opener, however players...(Young and Old) began to panic and we only settled in the middle with Longy and Gilly once again proving that an ugly 50 partnership is better than a beautiful attacking partnership of 10.....



We came back in week two, bowled poorly in spells and well in others..the boys really tried , but 120 was not defendable by this inexperienced team....Coops and Gilly bowled very well in a combined spell and brought the team within a sniff of a win. Coops, with 4 wickets didn't deserve to be rested, Dunks to be fair admitted this. We really need to bowl the best bowlers from now on and trust them especially when we have limited runs to play with. Interesting to note when the opposition had won and batted on, the two younger bowlers...Tom 'Bobby' Charlton, in particular bowled quite well.



CURRY NIGHT...followed the match and praise must be given to Johnny Larmett for producing a beautiful array of Curries.....A good night...and a stinging morning after....


CLUB GOSSIP....Whilst talking with Sharon Smith. The subject of Harves (Club President) was raised....Sharon asked...'why haven't you produced a picture of Harves'. I replied that I was struggling to find a suitable 'look a like' for him. Sharon voiced her opinion that, as a big fan of House..(The US programme, starring Hugh Laurie) she and Geoff...(QUOTE) 'ALWAYS SAY HOW ALIKE HOUSE AND HARVES ARE'.......she went on to say how sexy House is.....I made my excuses and left Sharon stirring a pot of rice looking momentarily dreamy.....You be the Judge...





NO...SURELY NOT......HOWEVER ANY SUGGESTIONS WILL BE GRATEFULLY RECEIVED...

And they're Off

MATCH 1: October 11 2008
Venue: Heathridge Opponents: Western Suburbs

Team: SJ Gill T Charlton*P Dunkley E Wild S Young+A Long
BL Dunkley C Cooper JP Dunkley R Malcolm J Moller

Well the wait is over and the season has begun and wow we were.... BAD..... our first game saw us take the field in a, 'one day' 40 over competition...the team had so many new players I suggested name tags as a new playing kit idea.....The problem was, we had either men over 40.... Dunks...Gilly..Longy...or boys who haven't ever shaved.....Tom... Brandon...Scott...Jamie.... The lads in between...... had played so little that one asked when we were 'kicking off'.....oh Sh**....Think Dad's Army meets Harry potter, with the cast of Australia's got talent...making up the numbers.....OH S***

Well, we actually started quite well and managed to bowl the opposition team out for 94. Coops 5 wickets and Gilly 3 for 4... Rob a great catch on debut....OH SH** now we've upset them....we actually bowled really well and made up for lack of class and experience with good effort, team spirit, great bowling and fielding.

So during tea we should have been confident...however murmurs of "they have got enough" were heard...from our changing rooms!!!... So the chase began with youth and experience; Gilly and young Tom...well, 30 minutes later, Gilly (Me) was still standing at the one end of the wicket having watched 6 wickets fall for 20 runs....Oh S***...the shots were all awful and we never looked like chasing 94 and we didn't. Longy, (Picture a shorter, rounder Bruce Willis...yeah I know it's hard) was once again not out and showed that courage can take you a long way...Gilly was out soon playing a dreadful shot knowing that defence would have left him stranded and the team still 50 short....
The post match chat was a problem...to bowl them out was great...really great, but to give our wickets away so easily was shocking and more shocking because the lack of sensible batting.... we gave them wickets ...they didn't take them...

Coops tends the Bar while Jase, Rob and Scott prepare to drown their sorrows......

Club Gossip...James 'Ducky' Cornwell (Could be the best bowler in the Club) has let it slip that last season he was bowled 1st ball by a ten year old girl in a charity game...surprising thing is..... no one was surprised
Here we see the sad episode played out..... Oh maybe that's what distracted him....

Men for All Seasons

As Winter approaches in Britain...Over here, in Australia, Summer and cricket are almost back.... Indoor 'Nets' began weeks ago with a healthy mix of 'old farts' ......young 'pups' and the 'others'....We are now practicing outdoors...twice per week.....
I am playing once again for Ocean Ridge Cricket Club and pre season in well under way. I thought I would introduce you to some of the characters of Ocean Ridge Cricket Club....

Mase..(Cricket Manager)...(picture Homer Simpson with a clip board)...Nice guy who is trying to encourage 'winning' cricket at the club.

Mase

Geoff Smith....loves Ocean Ridge... not the greatest fan of Mr Gill...an attribute that might endear him to many this season.... Not a bad cricketer...not as good as Gilly but eh.....

Geoff Smith

Dunks...A real nice guy a club veteran who is going to have to put up with Mr Gill in the same team... Dunks will drag his aching body through, 'one more season', or so he tells me...'see you next year then Dunks'.....Gilly and Dunks could be a great 'double act'.

Dunks

Dinga...Lingy...Linger....Daniel....(1st Team Captain and Club Coach) A nice guy and very good Cricketer...almost as good as Gilly....(That's a rare compliment)...Dinger is neither an 'old fart' or a 'Pup' as he seems hard to age...some say he's 35...some say he's 12...you be the judge...

Which one is Dinga???

Gibbo....Scares me.... a lot...What the british see as an Aussie....A good cricketer, a 'big' guy with a bashed up patched up body...My first memory of Gibbo was meeting him at nets and on seeing him limping and making the enquiry 'have you injured something'...... half an hour later he had listed 10 injuries that made me wince...and remember I'm a 25 year veteran nurse...I do remember Harves mouthing, 'don't ask him' behind his back....

GIBBO

(Here seen pointing at Gillys Ball before bowling to him)

Gilly...(Me)...The Pom...Well....I love the game and still want to play all the time. I believe in aggressive attacking Cricket and I hope we win something this season....I like to call it sexy cricket...Mind you I have mixed in good Cricketing circles in the past...

Gilly

Training has produced some new players this year...many of them brits. I do hope that they all remember the greatest Cricketer...other than Gilly...was born here...that man of course.......... Don Bradman.....with a batting average of 99.94.

2008 marks the centenary of Bradman's birth and 60 years ago when he finished his last Test match. His achievements remain without equal. From the moment he retired there has been a compulsion both to explain how he did what he did and to try to unveil the next Bradman. (Come on Dinga he might be at training???!!!)

It is one thing to laud the scale of his run-scoring, it is another to contemplate that its like will never be seen again. Usain Bolt has run into history in the past few weeks with two performances which broke the world records for 100m and 200m and demonstrated again what it is that humans do. They get better...(Harves, Smithy..take note..we don't need youngsters)Yet nobody has come close to emulating Bradman by any yardstick. Of batsmen to have played 20 Test innings, none average above 70, only four above 60.....WOW Enjoy 'The Don' here on film...Stew

Moaney Moaney

Hello Folks ....We have just had our first visitors, Tom and Anne..(My Cousins) and Seamus (Jackies brother) ....We had a lovely few days with Seamus and here we are, mid winter at Cottesloe Beach

Lots of our friends are planning emigration and Perth is great...However lets dispell some myths....

YES You can get a cold in Australia, even when its in the middle of summer and the temperature is in the low hundreds every day.
I think it comes down to the crappy nights due to the hot nights. Oh and the dehydration due to the unhealthy mix of beer and hot nights....

YES IT DOES RAIN...Perth gets more rain per year than Manchester!!!! but is concentrated in 4/5 months...the summers..(as you will read) are bloody long and hot...During the weekend there was a sever weather warning and we were advised to move anything ‘loose’ such as garden furniture from outside to under cover to minimise the possibility of damage....I’m not talking about the flatulent variety either. I’m talking about seriously strong wind of the climatological kind so serious in fact that they even gained tornado status!...The Gill chose this weekend to go away...The Sat Nav broke in the middle of a forest and we drove for hours with no clue where we were...all the time afraid we would be struck by lightening...crushed by giant hailstones...or blown away....We did still have a great holiday whale watching in the Margaret River area.
http://www.margaretriver.com/

I thought I would recount our first Summer 2006.

Diary of a The Gill's first Summer in Perth
August 31st
Just moved into our new home in Perth, Western Australia now this is a City that knows how to live!!Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the veranda It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here.
September 13th:
Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I’m turning into a sun worshiper.
September 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
October 13th..(Jackies Birthday)
The temperature hasn’t been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it’s kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
October 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.Missed 3 days of work. What a stupid thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.
October 20th:
I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like s***. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.
October 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant feckin blow dryer!! And it’s hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.
October 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $1,000,000 house and we can’t even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
November 4th:
It’s 38 degrees. Finally got the ol’ air-conditioner fixed today.It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but the bloody humidity makes the house feel like it’s about 30. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid friggin place.
November 8th:
If another wise arse cracks, “Hot enough for you today?” I’m going to throttle him. Friggin heat! By the time I get to work the car’s radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soakin wet, and I smell like baked cat!!
November 9th:
Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol’ car. I thought my friggin arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my arse. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse, and baked cat.
November 10th:
The weather report might as well be a recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and friggin sunny. It’s been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Doesn’t it ever rain in this damn place? Water rationing will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the pool. Even the palms can’t live in this heat.
November 14th:
Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 41 today. Now the air-conditioner’s gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said, “Hot enough for you today?” Jackie had to stop me assaulting the BASTARD. Stuff Perth! What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?
December 1st:
WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer???? You are kidding!!